I wasn’t going to review this book initially-I read it back in August, but as I haven’t read a bad book in a while I thought it was high time for some book bashing.
Why I bought this book:
I’ll set the scene: you’re a relatively smart, relatively not unattractive (but no Mary Sue) 20-something lady who enjoys fantasy and horror fiction novels. You go to Barnes And Noble so often they know you there. (They also know you at “Pretzel Time” and the Cheesesteak place in the mall-“oh, you’re the girl who wants three cheeses on her sandwich!” “What-oh-no, what? Um, no..” “No-Three cheese girl! THREE CHEESE GIRL!!” **sob** om nom nom **sob**
There’s this author, Laurell K. Hamilton, and she’s got this series of books, and they are always described as super hot and sexy or whatever, but relatively well written and plot-based. You have avoided these books because the covers are always real-life hot ladies, and you know my stance on that. But this time-in this Barnes N Noble-there are copies of her books with less crappy covers(see above.) And you tell yourself, “Self, it might suck. But it will be fun and hot, and we’ll get through this together.”
And Then You Don’t Even Get That
Or, Plot Summary
It’s funny that it’s called “Guilty Pleasures,” because that’s exactly what I thought it would be, and it was, except, without the pleasure. So it’s just “Guilty.” This is a “hot” “sexy” vampire book that has absolutely NO FUN. It’s against fun. What’s that-you there, reader-are you eating chocolate cake right now? I DEMAND YOU STOP! THIS BOOK IS A NO FUN ZONE.
Anita Blake. The main character. How do I describe this lady. Well, she’s very tough. Think “biker chick,” but then subtract any of the funny quirks or crazy antics a biker chick might have. So just-like, your 7th grade math teacher-the one with a mushroom hairdo-is a tough biker chick who never ever ever has fun. And, she’s a vampire hunter. And, she raises the dead.
Mmmmm…sound like a cool protagonist? WELL THEN YOU BETTER STOP THINKING THAT. This book is a NO COOL ZONE. And a no-good-hair zone. Not to be picky about superficial things, but seriously, why do you think people read these books? If I'm getting hot and sexy vampire action, everyone better have pretty hair. But I dyegress(SeewhatIdidthere).
Let’s trudge through some plot. Anita has to go to a bachelorette party and she can’t stop bitching about how much she doesn’t want to go-because, you know, PARTIES? WHAT THE HELL. THAT SOUNDS FUN AND YOU KNOW OUR POLICY ON THAT. Her best friend is super pumped for it and as a result, we know this character is a total idiot. Also-you know what? There are only three girls going to the bachelorette party. That’s just sad. Who is this girl, me?
In this universe, the Vampires have come out of the closet to the world, so to speak. And so the bachelorette party turns out to be at the local Vampire Strip Club. I perked up here. I was like HAHA-this will be AWESOME! It sounded like Desert Flame, the-er-low end strip club in my old home town. Add vampires to THAT place? Perfect. But then Anita just grumble grumble grumbly mgees the whole time about how much she hates vampires and how bad this is and blah blah blah NO! LAUREL K. HAMILTON I AM SERIOUS. THE FACT THAT YOU DID NOT HAVE A SCENE WITH A VAMPIRE STRIPPER DRESSED UP AS A FIREMAN OR SOMETHING HILARIOUS, IT IS UNFORGIVABLE.
Anita was right to distrust the place, of course. The whole night was set up as a plot to trap her into working for the vampires. Which she does. They force her to find the person that keeps killing a bunch of vampires in the area. And she’s all “Uh, I kill vampires. No, I didn’t kill your buddy Bob, like, specifically-but, you understand this is a little awkward, please explain?” And they are all “I dunno, ask Laurel.”
So Anita starts searching-joylessly searching-for the vampire killer. Along the way she is almost raped by a gigantic WERE-RAT, you heard that right-THAT WAS THE ONLY SEX SCENE-a were rat almost raping her-ARE YOU KIDDING ME IS THIS REAL LIFE.
She ends up discovering it’s this guy who also raises people from the dead-like she does-except he’s super powerful because he is also dead. But he was raised from the dead. Dead dead deady dead dead dead. Also, dead.
Then she kills the vampires who hired her, but not all of them. And then she’s all “That was fun.” Just kidding.
CAPS LOCK
Thank you for your help in this review.
Writing Level
Eh.
Ick Factor
RAT RAPE ARE YOU KIDDING ME. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. 10.
Rating
2-unless you hate having a good time, in which case, 6.
