It wasn't my fault! I.. tripped.. and fell onto it! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
Although, now I kind of wish I had accidentally read this one:
Lol. Just kidding, that book terrifies me.
Let's start with a history lesson. According to many books and articles I have definitely researched, including Google Images by The Internet, We used to think Vampires looked like this:
Then, over time, this:
And they have now become this:
Did that picture just turn you into a walking uterus? HE'S A VIKING YOU KNOW.
Whether you like it or not, and most of us secretly kind of like it, Vampires are sexy now. Look, no one likes Twilight, I am not talking about that book, seriously, I swore to myself when I started this blog I would not talk about that book, but just-it's a fact of life, people. It is 2012, the world is ending, Vampires are hot. And I ACCIDENTALLY read a romance novel about them. Ahem.
THE VAMPIRE KING, BY HEATHER KILLOUGH-WARDEN
About the Author:
One reason my friend Sara hated Twilight was because it was so clearly the Author's private fantasy, and reading it made her feel icky. Hey Sara, read this book, you will for sure definitely love it! The main character, Evie, is...an author. Of Supernatural fantasy books. Wait..wait for it..ABOUT VAMPIRES. HAHAHA! I am not kidding. Like, Warden is not gonna fuck around, she knows what this is. This is a book about how great she is and how one day a Vampire King is gonna totally make her his Queen. It's so hilarious that it's sort of admirable. Here is a quote about "Evie," the "character" in this "fictional book:"
"She was one of those souls who were the saving grace of the human race."
Reasons listed for the above:
-She helps out her aging parents
-She lives in a two bedroom apartment
-She's never had a long term illness or speeding ticket
-She has donated to "many charities"
-She has a lot of British comedies on her Netflix que.
This is not a joke. This is real. Those are the reasons listed. (I can just imagine Scientists who are working to reverse global warming reading this and being like, REALLY? THIS MAKES A PERSON HUMANITY'S SAVING GRACE? But Warden would look at them with a knowing smile and be all, "But you have speeding tickets, don't you?")Okay, let's get to the plot.
The Plot
It's super basic, so let me break it down for you. Roman D'Angelo is a Vampire King. He's 3000 years old. I just..I'm laughing, I'm honestly laughing right now. Okay, I'm back. So Roman has never fallen in love with a woman, but that's just because he has not met Evie, the saving grace of the human race you know. So he meets her, stalks her, falls in love with her, saves her from Charles the Evil Kidnapper, and then....Beds Her. I'm no prude but the last chapter in this book made me so uncomfortable I actually coughed. And that's the plot.
The Stalking
It's real intense. What I love about it in this case is how thorough it is. He has to know E-VER-Y-THING about this human.
"She was a vegetarian, she took her vitamins, and she showered with a gel scented of cherry blossoms...she enjoyed vacuuming because the triangles it made in the carpet made her feel productive and calm..."
It goes on. And maybe this is someone's fantasy-to have a guy know EVERYTHING about you and love you more for it, but it's for suuuure not mine. There's stuff I do not want my vampire stalker to take note of. Like, yeah, I'm a regular at Pretzel Time, they know me, hey maybe last week I saw a Pretzel Time wrapper in a parking lot smeared with old mustard and tire tracks and it actually MADE ME HUNGRY. That is..not flattering, no matter how you swing it. So yeah, a note to my Vampire Stalker-only watch through my window when I'm in full make up, reading a sad book by candelight, one silent tear dripping onto the page. Not when I'm alone in the dark, watching Glee on my computer, spilling a cheeseburger down my shirt.
The Choice Quotes
I can't explain why this is funny, but I definitely want to say this as much as possible(The Vampire King, about a group of drunken people):
"The partying had begun early this night, it would seem."
Nice. Also:
"He'd been shadowing her ever since saving her life from a group of rogue horses in a parking lot outside of a mini-mall. He remained close by, always within a vampire's arm's reach."
Oh, did I forget to tell you about the rogue horses? I'm sorry, I'm laughing again. Okay, okay. One more. This is the Vampire King trying to describe in his mind what he wanted to do, sex-wise, to Evie:
"He wanted to......hold her down."
I'm laughing. I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing. It's just so glorious. Hold on I think you need to see that again:
"He wanted to....hold her down."
Book Rating:
I will give this book as many stars as the amount of times the term "unwittingly" is used incorrectly. (This is accurate-I used the Kindle Search Option)
