Fifty Shades of Hey, Girl

You know, one of the first things I say about myself when meeting somebody new is that I like to read, I'm a "reader," I do that, I love books, they're great, it takes up most of my free time. And secretly, when I would tell people this (SUPER INTERESTING) fact about me, I would think to myself, "You sound so fascinating right now, and worldly, and cool, and different, like, who reads so much? They must think you are some kind of genius." Of course I wouldn't say any of that out loud, it was my little secret. Out loud I'd just be like, "Yeah, I guess I'm such a nerd, what can you do?" And yeah, this is gross, I'll admit it, but it was my one thing, you know? My one thing, the thing that makes me awesome, and EVERYBODY AGREES!

I realized something horrific today. When I call myself a reader, that I read, that I'm a bookie, if you will, THIS IS THE KIND OF BOOK THEY THINK I AM IN TO.

I cannot express to you how crushing this is. 

I have been waltzing around this city, yelling over music in bars, smugly noting in job interviews about how I'm a reaaaader, and this. This is what they have thought the whole time. This is the book *everyone* is reading right now, so everyone assumes I'm reading it too. Which, you know, I am, but I'm doing it ironically. Okay, nope, just got it, I really am the worst.

Fifty Shades of Grey, by EL James

Plot

Did you know that this is a sex book? Oh, it is. It's a sex book of sex. And your mom is reading it. Everybody, get on board. It's happening.  

And it's a specific kind of sex book. It's a BDSM sex book. Do you know what that is? I can't really remember what the initials stand for right now but it's probably something like, Boobs, Dominance, Supper, Moonbeam. I don't know. It's that whole spanking thing. Okay?

Calm down, I'm not going to tell you about the sex. That's what this book is! You can't hate on it for that. That would be like going to the garbage store and saying, "Hey! What's all this garbage doing in your store!" I'm here to tell you about the plot.

It's really complicated, try to keep up: This college girl, Anastasia, meets this ultra rich billionaire, Christian, and they date.

........

...

.

That's..that's it. I mean, once they go to IHOP. They order pancakes. That sounds delicious. Umm..she gets drunk at a bar and he picks her up? He buys her a lap top. In one action packed segment, he tells her he likes "Kings of Leon." Anastasia is surprised. 

Okay, there is more to it than that.

 At first, Christian doesn't want love, he just wants to "fuck." But more specifically, Boobs Dominance Supper Moonbeam fuck. He tells Anastasia that the only relationship they can have is outlined in this contract that she has to sign if she ever wants to see him again. And it's like, 

"You will be my sex slave and you have to do everything I say, and I'm into some real weird shit."  

<--- sign here. 

I think it's after that they go to IHOP? I'm not going to lie to you the IHOP part was my favorite part. Pancakes! I'm getting off track.

Will she sign?? Won't she??? Does he love her?? Does she him??? Can he love?? Is this healthy??? Probably not??? But no judgement??? That's the whole book, plus lots of *bedroom* *scenes.*

If you were wondering, yes this book is Twilight without the vampire cloaking device, so there is even LESS plot, thank goodness, wait, no, I think plot is a good thing, but I'm not sure anymore, my world is shattered.

I think one of the parts might be racist?

I mean, Anastasia has this friend Jose, who wants to bone her, and he's always slipping in and out of really kind of obvious, Spanish cliche sayings, like "Dios Mio, Ana!" And, okay, let's just decide that this isn't racist, cause I'm not sure, and there are other things I want to talk about. Like the fact that:

THIS IS A TRILOGY.

Because allllllll.llllll...lllllll that plot can't be wrapped up in one book!!!!! Are you kidding!!! They sort of break it off at the end of this one, but no one is fooled. The only real cliff hanger is whether or not Ana will make it to Jose's photography exhibition. 

The Ick Factor

I think I'm being fair, but you tell me. I went in being like, you can't get grossed out, this book is what it is, but then there was this chapter that started with Christian asking her "Are you bleeding?" And he wasn't talking about a paper cut, and then we get a description where something is pulled out and flung away. I..didn't need that. Please take it back.

Redeeming factor?

Let's talk about pockets.

"Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of his Blackberry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets."

Yeah! This is totally a thing! It's weird, like, aren't you guys uncomfortable? Get a purse!

"He stands and removes the condom, knotting it at the end, and puts it in his pants pocket."

THIS IS NOT A THING. THIS IS NOT A THING.

Book Rating

I heard someone say that when this is turned into a movie, Ryan Gosling should play Christian. Man, Ryan Gosling you guys. I could watch a movie about that dude trying to eat tomato soup with his hands. "Soupy" it would be called. Actually...I think I just got why this book is so amazing. I get it now, okay, got it. One million stars.

Hey remember that time I "accidentally" read a romance novel?

It wasn't my fault! I.. tripped.. and fell onto it! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!



Although, now I kind of wish I had accidentally read this one:



Lol. Just kidding, that book terrifies me.

Let's start with a history lesson. According to many books and articles I have definitely researched, including Google Images by The Internet, We used to think Vampires looked like this:


Then, over time, this:

And they have now become this:

Did that picture just turn you into a walking uterus? HE'S A VIKING YOU KNOW.

Whether you like it or not, and most of us secretly kind of like it, Vampires are sexy now. Look, no one likes Twilight, I am not talking about that book, seriously, I swore to myself when I started this blog I would not talk about that book, but just-it's a fact of life, people. It is 2012, the world is ending, Vampires are hot. And I ACCIDENTALLY read a romance novel about them. Ahem.

THE VAMPIRE KING, BY HEATHER KILLOUGH-WARDEN

About the Author:

One reason my friend Sara hated Twilight was because it was so clearly the Author's private fantasy, and reading it made her feel icky. Hey Sara, read this book, you will for sure definitely love it! The main character, Evie, is...an author. Of Supernatural fantasy books. Wait..wait for it..ABOUT VAMPIRES. HAHAHA! I am not kidding. Like, Warden is not gonna fuck around, she knows what this is. This is a book about how great she is and how one day a Vampire King is gonna totally make her his Queen. It's so hilarious that it's sort of admirable. Here is a quote about "Evie," the "character" in this "fictional book:"

"She was one of those souls who were the saving grace of the human race."

Reasons listed for the above:

-She helps out her aging parents

-She lives in a two bedroom apartment

-She's never had a long term illness or speeding ticket

-She has donated to "many charities"

-She has a lot of British comedies on her Netflix que.

This is not a joke. This is real. Those are the reasons listed. (I can just imagine Scientists who are working to reverse global warming reading this and being like, REALLY? THIS MAKES A PERSON HUMANITY'S SAVING GRACE? But Warden would look at them with a knowing smile and be all, "But you have speeding tickets, don't you?")Okay, let's get to the plot.

The Plot

It's super basic, so let me break it down for you. Roman D'Angelo is a Vampire King. He's 3000 years old. I just..I'm laughing, I'm honestly laughing right now. Okay, I'm back. So Roman has never fallen in love with a woman, but that's just because he has not met Evie, the saving grace of the human race you know. So he meets her, stalks her, falls in love with her, saves her from Charles the Evil Kidnapper, and then....Beds Her. I'm no prude but the last chapter in this book made me so uncomfortable I actually coughed. And that's the plot.

The Stalking

It's real intense. What I love about it in this case is how thorough it is. He has to know E-VER-Y-THING about this human.

"She was a vegetarian, she took her vitamins, and she showered with a gel scented of cherry blossoms...she enjoyed vacuuming because the triangles it made in the carpet made her feel productive and calm..."

It goes on. And maybe this is someone's fantasy-to have a guy know EVERYTHING about you and love you more for it, but it's for suuuure not mine. There's stuff I do not want my vampire stalker to take note of. Like, yeah, I'm a regular at Pretzel Time, they know me, hey maybe last week I saw a Pretzel Time wrapper in a parking lot smeared with old mustard and tire tracks and it actually MADE ME HUNGRY. That is..not flattering, no matter how you swing it. So yeah, a note to my Vampire Stalker-only watch through my window when I'm in full make up, reading a sad book by candelight, one silent tear dripping onto the page. Not when I'm alone in the dark, watching Glee on my computer, spilling a cheeseburger down my shirt.

The Choice Quotes

I can't explain why this is funny, but I definitely want to say this as much as possible(The Vampire King, about a group of drunken people):

"The partying had begun early this night, it would seem."

Nice. Also:

"He'd been shadowing her ever since saving her life from a group of rogue horses in a parking lot outside of a mini-mall. He remained close by, always within a vampire's arm's reach."

Oh, did I forget to tell you about the rogue horses? I'm sorry, I'm laughing again. Okay, okay. One more. This is the Vampire King trying to describe in his mind what he wanted to do, sex-wise, to Evie:

"He wanted to......hold her down."

I'm laughing. I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing. It's just so glorious. Hold on I think you need to see that again:

"He wanted to....hold her down."

Book Rating:

I will give this book as many stars as the amount of times the term "unwittingly" is used incorrectly. (This is accurate-I used the Kindle Search Option)