Nightshade, Andrea Cremer
My friends hate me.
Do you remember when you were a 17 year old girl in highschool all you wanted to do was have sex? All the time? Everywhere? How you would literally die in some horrible painful way just to have sex with someone-anyone-even some jerk you didn't really care about? ...No? Hmm. Oh, what's that you say? That's some gross fantasy of dudes who want to bone 17 year old girls? ..Oh. Well. Okay, do you remember when you were a 17 year old girl and every guy was pressuring you to have sex with them? Okay, so you DO remember that! Okay. Well, remember how when guys do that, it means that they love you? I'm getting off track again, aren't I. Hey, remember when you were a werewolf?
Plot:
Our heroine is the terminally lovely Calla, the Alpha Werewolf of her pack, the most lovely Werewolfian of all Werewolfia, and but also *just a normal 17 year old girl* who likes to *go to concerts MOM* and *wants to wear her Republicans for Voldemort TEE* (though hopefully won't spill hamburgers down it.) You know immediately you're in for a creepily sexual 454 pages when in the first chapter her mom is like "Preserve your flower for your soon to be husband, dear, but make sure you are super hot and good at boning him." And then your little brother comes in your room and is like "haha, you're going to bone that guy soon!" and everyone reading this shit that's old enough to know how young 17 is IS VOMITING EVERYWHERE. But it's only just begun.
As noted before, Calla is the alpha werewolf of her teenage pack. She has been "promised" to Ren, the alpha werewolf of his teenage pack. They go to school because, what's a YA novel without some cafeteria scenes, you know? But they don't need to. They are paid by "Keepers," (creepy witch people) to protect humans from "Searchers" (scrappy witch people.) When Ren and Calla wed on her 18th birthday they will HAVE SEX, DID YOU KNOW THEY WILL HAVE SEX, THEY WILL, WHEN THEY WED, HERE'S LIKE 300 PAGES DEVOTED TO THAT, but also they will merge their packs to create a Megapack that will protect a magical cave from the Searchers.
When Shay, a mysterious human being, arrives at school, Calla is immediately like, "That guy makes me feel sexual feelings, but I don't want to say that, so I'll just describe how 'heat' flows 'all throughout my body' to 'places I didn't know existed before I saw him.'" Um, not to be crude, but Calla didn't know her vagina existed? Someone get this girl a hand mirror.
Also, can't she just think he's super cute and want to cuddle in his car? Can't he like, make her *heart* flutter upon first sight, and not the alternative? No takers? Okay.
Their pack is directed to protect Shay for some mysterious reason. But he really wants to bone Calla. And Calla wants to bone him. But Ren is promised to Calla! And Ren wants to bone Calla. And Calla wants to bone Ren! WHATS A GIRL TO BONE, am I right?
Then Calla discovers these "Keepers" that she thought were the good guys, are bad guys. And she decides to run off with Shay, instead of wedding Ren. But everyone loves everyone of course. And then she almost dies twice in battles against a giant spider and a succubus. And then her and Shay are carried off by "Searchers," who we can all assume are the good guys now. And that's the end.
This makes me miss Twilight:
Look, I get it. Teenage boys(and girls) have sex drives. And apparently teenage boys want to have sex all the time. The media and my friends have told me this is true. But there is a difference between being like "Hey girl, wanna do this thing?" and "Hey, girl, DO THIS THING. DO IT. NOW. I KNOW YOU'RE PUSHING ME AWAY, THAT JUST MEANS YOU ARE SUPER INTO IT!" That's Ren's approach. She will literally push him away and he will "hold on tighter." And Shay, our sensitive human, is no better. He's like, "DO THIS THING. No? You won't? So you must hate me. You must want me dead. You want my skin to melt off in a horrible fire. I guess I'll just go kill myself."
Besides the obvious reason this is awful, that women should NEVER be pressured into sex, Calla will actually be killed if she has sex with either of these guys. It's like, wolf law, no sex before marriage. Both these boys know that and STILL every other chapter they get her alone and pounce. There are other things going on here, and perhaps the message is that female sexuality should not be dictated by a hyper-sexist society, but I think that's giving this book too much credit.
Calla has a million things to worry about but she's more concerned about which of these date rapists she'd rather marry. And you know what, that's not fair. They aren't always on dates. One time it was in the bathroom. Ren bursts in and is like "DAAATTE!" And Calla's like "I'm POOPING REN." And Ren's like, "THAT MEANS YOU LIKE IT." I don't know, it's all so icky. And at the end of the book both boys are like "I love you forever and ever, "and I think we're supposed to like them but...how can we like them? A couple times Ren's all, "Only when you're ready, Calla." But in the next scene he's like, "IT'S BEEN 40 MINUTES ARE YOU READY YET?" It makes me miss Twilight, where things are also sexist, but at least where Bella's never pressured into anything sexual. She WANTS Edward to bite her pillows and destroy her bedframe. ("That was 200 dollars at Ikea! IKEA, BELLA!")
Choice Quote:
(Trying on her wedding gown.)
"Damn it, Sabine!" I rubbed the new stinging spot at my shoulder. "If I bleed all over this gown, you'll be sorry."
"I'm not breaking the skin." Sabine didn't cover her smile.
"You'll probably just end up with blood all over it anyway." (260)
Redeeming Factor:
The spider fight was pretty cool.
Also, Calla herself is actually a pretty rounded, interesting character.
OH! Also, they talk about Thomas Hobbes and his philosophy a lot! Not my favorite philosopher, but still! It's better than finding another way to describe female arousal, am I right! I'm right. I'm super, super right.
Rating:
I'm giving Nightshade 2 stars and sending it to it's room TO THINK ABOUT WHAT IT DID. You hear me! Don't you slam that door, Nightshade! Don't you sl-
