Book Review: RATED NC-17-ish

Okay, so I have this dog, Pico, he's a chihuahua, he's an "apple head" "blue" chihuahua, which is to say, he has a normal looking head that is NOT an apple, and he is black with white spots. So those are just fancy names someone once came up with in a laboratory-anyway, he's tiny, and annoying and yappy but we love him because he's actually a 100 year old vampire, not really, we love him because he's just so cute and cuddly and bloopy, I don't know. So anyway I was taking him out for a number two on Christmas day and we're all minding our own business when all of a sudden this round object the size of a normal persons fist falls straight out of the sky and lands right in front of him. And Pico is JAZZED about this thing, whatever it is, he's freaking out and licking it and prancing and barking and like, having a field day with this thing, and as i get closer I realize that it is an old, moldy role, the kind you bake in the oven-and I'm like WHAT, is going on, this dropped from the SKY? And Pico is like WHATEVER MANNA FROM HEAVEN IT IS ORDAINED FROM THE LORD THAT I MIGHT HAVE THIS PRESENT ON THIS DAY, CHRISTMAS DAY, and I'm looosing my mind that it's raining old moldy christmas roles, but I take it away from him because i really don't feel like cleaning up puppy barf later, and Pico is like, nooo I hate youuuuuu and I'm wandering around staring at the sky when I hear this skuttle skuttle on our roof and find this ENORMOUS crow up there, just staring a hole through both me and Pico and I realize that this crow dropped the role in the yard while flying over.

IT WAS FATTENING UP MY DOG FOR EATING, seriously. How long has this been going on? I asked myself. What an evil, evil, dog eating bird-it must be the apple head that attracts him. But, meeeeaaaanwhile, little does this bird know that Pico actually is the stinkiest dog that ever lived, literally whooooo it knocks you off your feet, I can't imagine he tastes good, and after he eats people food it's WORSE somehow, like you can't imagine that it could ever get worse, but it does, plus he'd be all barfy and disgusting-SO if this bird had succeeded in eating Pico, it would have given him the worst tummy ache.

So, this is all to say, we create our own destinies. Sometimes we reap what we sow. Sometimes, we are asking for it.

Tempest Rising, By Nicole Peeler





























I knew what this was going to be, you guys. I must admit it. The cover was a cartoon sexy lady. But she was Hello Kitty sexy, it was cute, and weird, and I just had to read the back cover. And the back cover told me this was going to be a total Mary Sue situation, but somehow, for some reason, I was like.. ohhh I know this is going to be just like eating a stinky, barfy, chihuahua, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Plot Synopsis

The main character is "Jane True" (rhymes with something very fitting, you figure it out.) She's gorgeous, and funny, and smart, and athletic, but everyone in her small town hates her, and her life is so hard. (It was at this point-the first couple pages-that I started predicting at which point a sexy male fairy/vampire/etc would swoop in and save her from her sad, sad life..)(Note from future Christina to past Christina:Page 32.)

She's awesome and perfect in every single way, except, she loves swimming in this horrific whirlpool current thingy out in the ocean-naked. Every morning. So, she's a little weird. Her mom was weird too. And her mom left when she was a baby. (Because her mom didn't love Jane, and became a mom too young, couldn't handle the responsibility, and was suffering from depression.) (Oh just, kidding, it's because her mom is actually a SEAL.)

Okay, so our Mary Sue is part seal. Alright...

Anyway, it comes to pass that she finds out there is a supernatural community, and she's a part of it, and what's more, she's a key witness in a murder investigation, and to investigate her, there is Ryu, Sexy Vampire Extraordinaire. (PAGE 32, BITCHES. I WIN PRIZE NOW)

This is the part of the book where it just devolves into sex scenes. It's like, softcore romance novels if that makes any sense. You know the definition of soft core? Apply it. So you get a lot-A LOT of description about certain events, but not others.

Anyway so inbetween doing it, they have to go to the Supernatural Capital of the Whatever, which is in Canada(That's right Sara, Canada, the most important country in the UNIVERSE) And figure some stuff out, whatever, I guess I'm not in the mood to ruin the ending today. The end.

Writing Quality

Not bad, actually. Funny at times, the description was so much better than Wild Magic, and I did enjoy reading it in that reaallly guilty way where I wanted to hide the book inside of an Ayn Rand novel or something whenever I read it in public.
So, 48 stars! (43 of which will burn out and die before they ever reach our atmosphere so actually 5 stars out of 10 crappy ones hoooray good jobbb)

I should probably make a disclaimer about this

I realize that so many of my reviews mention the icky, ickyness of the sex in a lot of these books and I just want to clear something up. The reason I bring it up is because I feel that so few authors know how to treat sex in their writing. And my policy is-it's FINE to fade to black if you can't do it right. I DONT need details, really-unless it's important to the plot, but oh MAN if the details are important to the plot I DONT want to read your book. Also, you can write good sex scenes-Neil Gaiman has, Chuck Palinwhateverimnotahugefan has, and bajillions of other famous authors that I don't feel like remembering have. It's just that-ESPECIALLY with fantasy, when you have all these weird supernatural creatures to also deal with-and their anatomy and kinks-shudder-these fantasy books often have ick factor 12. This book did not have an ick factor, it was just like, word porn for ladies, but for me that kind of writing just really devalues the literature as a whole. It makes the book seem like "chick lit" though I know that's a really degrading term and I shouldn't use it, whatever, it's the only one that I can think of that will get my point across.


Overall Rating

I'll give it a good ole' 9 stars. If you liked Twilight, you'll like this book. And if you like eating stinky puppies, you'll love my next review.