The One Where I Start Feeling Bad for Being Such a B Word

...or, Mortal Coils.

Man, that image is enormous.






You know what this reminds me of?


WHY AM I SO HUGE!

Anyway, Mortal Coils.

Why I Bought this Book:

The plot synopsis on the back cover: Blah, blah blah-

"The twins are the offspring of a goddess and Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. "

**Credit card swipe!**

Cast of Characters:

*Elliot-15 y/o, one of the twins, sheltered, loves music, Angsty about Grandma Never Letting him have FUN HRMPH
*Fiona-15/o, obviously, since she's the other twin, sheltered, loves books, is angsty about...everything, she's 15 so that's fair HRMPH
*Overprotective Grandmother is overprotective!
*Unimportant Great Grandmother is Unimportant!
*Robert-Hey..Fiona needs a love interest, right? She's 15..that's old enough, right?
*Julie-The best character in the book. Oh, and Elliots...whatever.
*Everyone Else-is everyone else

Plot Synopsis

Chapter one..these twins have it hard. And by hard, I mean they are homeschooled and have to work at a pizza shop every day HRMPH. This author is having a clumsy time of trying to write for tweenagers. Half the time they sound like emotionally stunted 40 year olds and the other half the time I'm sorry I fell asleep the other half the time. Riveting...ur not doing it so wel akshully. Chapter two...OH NO, there are FOOTNOTES. BLESS HIS HEART. Now I feel bad! Footnotes...he spent a lot of time on this book! He wanted you to see he researched it("See? See, look, here, this is a book I read in preparation! Oh and here, this article, interesting stuff!!") Oh, geez I'm such a bitch. So from chapter two on, I tried to give this book every chance I could get.

Humble pie, I'm trying to eat it. Except... the mystery of this book is, I kid you not, who are the twins' mother and father. I KID YOU NOT. So I guess, for anyone who didn't read I don't know THE BACK COVER, maybe that mystery would have been interesting.

On the journey to discover this, mysterious, befuddling secret, the kids must be tested by their "mothers side" of the family (could it be the GODDESS, SIDE, MAYBE??) and also by their "Fathers side" of the family (totally stumped as to who that could be!) (lucifer, guys.) The tests range from the absurd to the cruel to the totally random. By that I mean, heal a crocodile's arm, kill a bunch of innocent people in order to get to a military secret, and quit eating chocolate. Really. REALLY.

That last one.. the quit eating chocolate one..is just for Fiona. And it is presented as "the classical challenge for a woman." WELL, that's not insulting! At all! Elliot's Classical Challenge for a Man is a girl trying to tempt him to bed..which would prove, what exactly? I'm not sure. But the girl tempting him is Julie, and she's awesome. She died and went to hell because she overdosed on heroine and is given the chance to live again if she succeeds in seducing Elliot.

Luckily for Elliot and Fiona(read:convenient), they both have magical powers that allow them to beat each task. Elliots is-and I'm not making this up-he's really good at playing the violin. Really. So, they'll be battling some demon, or axe murderer, or innocent civillian(really), and he will whip out his violin and be all "strum, strum, STRUM STRUM STRUMMMY" and something vaguelly happens each time as a result. Mainly, people fall in love with him. Like Julie, who decides not to seduce him, because she loves him. So she goes back to hell. ILU JULIE.

After a series of bizarre and pointless events, Elliot and Fiona discover their father is Lucifer (NO!) and their mother is a goddess(REALLY) and they defeat a big bad demon together. And afterwards, both the evil side of the family and the "good" side of the family are like "Cool, you've earned your place. Join us!" and you'd think after being put in horrific situation after horrific situation, being told to kill innocent people(by the GOOD side of the family), and generally being lied to and morally turn-tabled, they would be like "Screw both of you! I'm blowing this popsicle stand STRUM STRUM STRUM!" Except both of them happily accept the opportunity to join the gods and goddesses. And the readers are left with slightly agaped jaws. Because we dozed off.

I am such a b word:

This seriously was supposed to be me trying to be NICE.


Redeeming factor:

If you look closely enough on the cover you can see a demon's butt.


Rating:

This one I would say is better than Twilight, since you know, it had a plot. And footnotes. I'm such a horrible person. This book gets 20 stars!!! out of 93

"Butter Face" aka the True Blood Series

Before I get into my (slightly boring, less funny) rant on these books, let me start on a positive note:



Instead of reading "Impossible," read, "Graceling." It's a shorter, easy read that is mostly about romance-like Impossible, but without icky fairy-r. It's also refreshingly anti-marriage. Did I just say refreshingly anti-marriage? I did.



Instead of reading The Mortal Instruments Series, read "The Magicians." A MUCH better follow up for Harry Potter fans. It doesn't leave you with a gleeful "I LOVE MAGIC!" feelings like our dear HP, but its a story about a magic college and it is so. so. good.



Alright! on to "The Sookie Stackhouse Chronicles...AKA Lets See How Many Times We Can Beat this Pretty Bitch Up."

I'm going to try my very best not to spoil anything for fans of the TV show. No promises, but I'm going to try very hard.


Comparisons from the Books to HBO
1. The TV Show is soooooooooooo much better.
2. Book Sookie is a size 8 "on a good day" and has a beautiful face. In the show..................

3. Book Bill is kind of a dick. He doesn't tell Sookie he loves her, because he's a vampire and they can't feeeeel human eemmmotions. He's not romantic, and is constantly putting Sookie in danger and not feeling that bad about it. Show Bill is such a swooney gentleman!
4. Book Eric is hot and I love him. Show Eric is hot. and. I. love. him.
5. Plot-wise, Jason is not that integral in the books. The Show has invented ways to keep him in every episode and you don't hear me complainin.
6. Book Tara and show Tara are really different, but I don't like either incarnation of that character, so whatever.

My Problems with Charlaine Harris

1. The writing. Harris' other books are serial mysteries, so I'll give her that she is not used to this genre. But seriously, the descriptive details are OUT. OF. CONTROL. We'll have a whole chapter on what Sookie did on a Saturday morning, and Charlaine, if it's not Eric, I don't want to read about it! Like, "Sookie woke up and stretched and yawned and felt tired. She crawled out of her blue and white bedsheets that were slightly wrinkled from sleeping. She then took a shower, using her favorite Plumeria body gel. Then she dried off with a blue towel. Then she made eggs and toast and spread the butter evenly on both sides." ETC. YOU AREN'T CHARLES DICKENS, OKAY? We don't need to hear about the cobblestoned streets. What is the purpose of these scenes? And why isn't ERIC in MORE of them.

2. Feministy things. I can't explain wholely without spoiling a huge plot point in what will be next season of the show. So I guess, all I can say is watch, and we'll discuss then. But Charlaine pulls just an atrocious move with the Sookie/Bill storyline and starts justifying some horrific male/female stereotypes. No, I'm not talking about cookin and cleanin.

3. Why so much beating up of the human? Poor Sookie is constantly getting the crap kicked out of her. Again I don't want to spoil too much-like the series implies, she's more than human. But not that much more! She can't take you in a fight! Buffy was different-she had inhuman strength, so it was okay that she was always getting in tussles. Sookie gets so many horrific beatings it makes me wonder if Harris hates women.

Should you read the books if you are a fan of the Show?

Honestly, no. You aren't missing anything. I wish I could erase the books from my memory so I could enjoy the show more. I also wish that Anna Paquin was a slightly better actress. I also wish Eric was real, and loved me. I also wish I had a burrito to eat right now, but we don't always get what we wish for, now do we??!

You know what tops Sparkly Vampires? Incest.

Here we go... I am collapsing these three books, the Mortal Instruments Series, into one review because I care about you and don't want you to feel too much pain. "City of Bones," "City of Ashes," and "City of Glass" by Cassandra Clare all come to us reccommended by who else, Stephenie Meyer. Her review goes something like "This is a world I would love to live in." I can believe that.

But the reason I gave this book a shot? A review on the back cover said it was a must-read for Buffy fans. Not only do I think that reviewer has never watched an episode of Buffy, I think that reviewer hates Buffy, and hates me. I think that reviewer hates his life, and puppies, and love. I think that reviewer is anxiously awaiting the apocolypse so he can finally be alone, rid of humanity, except for one that he keeps chained in his basement to torture when he gets bored.

Plot Synopsis:
Clary Fray is a teenager, like 16 or whatever. She's an artist and she has a best friend named Simon who is obvs in love with her but they are juuuuust friiiiiends right now. Her mom's a big weirdo but she's beautiful and also an artist. There's a mystery as to Clare's past. Her father was "killed in a car accident when she was a baby" but those of us that have actually read a book know this is code for "my father is still alive and is someone super powerful and important to the novel." Anyhoo, Simon and Clare discover that there are demons in this world, and people called Shadowhunters, who kill those demons. Among the shadow hunters they meet is super hunk Jace. Clare loooooves Jace and he loooooves Clary. But Jace! is so tormented! by his past! he just does not think he is deserving of love! They kiss. They hunt for the big bad of the novel, whose name is Valentine. Valentine is this super powerful shadowhunter that wants to kill, like, everything-not just demons, but vamps and weres and stuff. Vamps and weres and stuff can be evil, but aren't always, so generally the Shadowhunter community is like, "No, V. Nice effort, but sit down. Sorry." Valentine dissappeared 16 years ago, believed to be dead. Are you figuring this out yet? Okay I'll tell you. Valentine is Clary's dad!......... And Jace's. Too. WHAT.

Deep breath. That's the end of the first book. Oks. So the second book is mainly composed of scenes where Jace and Clary end up alone in a room together and the sexual tension is just TOO MUCH and one or both of them are like "oh man I want you..kiss me..wait don't, we're like brother and sister! Not even LIKE brother and sister, we just are! I can't! We musn't!" It's disgusting. Also, one scene they make out. She trys to date Simon but it doesn't work because she's not attracted to him, she prefers, you know, RELATIVES. The second book doesn't matter, except Simon becomes a vampire and it's all a little too convenient, because now he can join their cool fighting club.

Enter third book: Valentine leads an army of demons to defeat the Shadowhunters so that he can...kill the demons the way he wants to? I don't know, it's a little shaky. Did I mention Valentine is super beautiful? That's cool. I like that. Anyway, the demons eat a bunch of people and there's a battle, and we meet Valentine's other son, Jonathan, and find out(and it's really not all that shocking) Jace isn't actually Valentine's son or Clary's brother. Jace and Clary discover that they have these huge, amazing powers no one else do(another shocker) and they are able to defeat their..wait, no, just Clary's...dad. And then they make out alot.


Choice quote:

"Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage--but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored. "In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations." "You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken. "Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit." "I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing." "Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.""


Redeeming Factor:

The third book is really the best, and saying that is like saying a first degree burn is the best out of all types of burns. There are a few scenes where a city is in mass chaos, being attacked by an army of demons and it's..a little cool. It gets pretty gory, and a few of the demons are kind of interesting/original. And reading how some of these annoying characters die is nice, too.

Tryin to tug on the ole' heart strings...factor

So of course no one that important to the novel dies. None of our "favorite" characters, just the extras. And 5 year old Max, Jace's adopted brother. It fails to move the reader, though, because we don't spend that much time with Max and the death is really clumsy and so unneccessary. I think he was chosen to die purely because he couldn't be paired off with a love interest. By the end of the novel EVERYONE had a love bunny. And I guess although Cassandra Clare does think bros and sisses should be kissy kissy, 5 year olds having girlfriends is TOO FAR. So he dies. Sorry, Max.

Writing Quality

Well, it's better than Twilight. I mean, not the book itself, the writing. Look, it's really predictable and gross and trite, but I don't think the writing itself is all that awful. So, we'll give Clare a solid 8 stars. (Out of 25.)

On a scale of 1-10 of crappy books...

If you liked Twilight, you'll like this book. But Twilight had an extra..something these books don't have. Maybe it was the hilarious combination of Vampires and Mormon virtue? I don't know. So these books get an 8/10.

UNTIL NEXT TIME(aka, probably tomorrow.)

Lesson # 1

We live in a crazy, fast paced world-and you probably have a very important job or lots of television to watch, so you just don't have a lot of time to read. Don't worry, remember, I'm doing that for you. But when you do actually have an hour or two out of your day and want to devote it to your friend and mine, the written word, you don't want to waste those precious moments on a crappy book.

I'm going to do my best to help you avoid that, but obviously I can't catch every crappy book before it reaches your hands, so I am going to teach you how to recognize a crappy book-quickly. The first lesson is:

How to Tell a Book Will Be Crappy By the Cover Art

It's important to note that cover art can be deceiving. Sometimes horrendous stinkers have excellent cover art, and sometimes-but VERY RARELY-good books have stupid cover art. But first things first.

What is "bad" cover art?

First of all, hot ladies. Realistic Hot ladies. What? Unless the book has been made into a movie(and even then..but I'll get there later)it makes absolutely no sense for there to be a picture of some rando model looking all sultry at us from the cover of an undoubtably crappy book. In this case, there are no exceptions. Real life hot lady on cover=bad book with lazy writing about a mary sue who falls in love with supernatural creature she's "SWORN TO RID THE WORLD OF" insert many awkward sex scenes. AVOID! AVOID!

"I'm so shy and smart. HAI VAMPIRE LETS MAKE OUT! I mean...no...we can't..Do you like my sweet perm?... OK YES WE CAN!"

Look at that blood-red font. It's probably symbollic for something.....but I'm just not sure....what...it could be....hmmmm

I like "Secret Vampire." She should have a sequel called "Transparent Ghost."

I don't know if you can see this, but she is wearing a skull necklace. Awesome. And her haircut is ALREADY dating this book. That's the other problem with putting photographs of your heroine on the cover. It's like, when I read Bridge to Terabithia, I don't picture the heroine having teased out hair and a bright purple windbreaker, but let's face it, it was published in the 1980's and thank goodness that cover wasn't like this one. Also check out that HIP POP. SASSY! You work it, daughter of death! Fog party!

........There are no words........(or feet.)



This is a case where there is just tooooo much going on. Like, leave a little to the imagination, okay? Your amazing fantasy novel may have T-Rexes, candles, lightning frogs, monkeys, tigers, rockin hair scarves, magical light-hands, ribbon pooping birds, skeptical horses, jammin leaf patterns, tiger blankets, sweet belts, tiger NECKLACES, and a triceratops, but we don't have to know all of that IMMEDIATELY. (And as if once wasn't enough, we also get a little miniature verson of this painting on the side!! They want to make sure you don't miss it!) It's overwhelming. And it shows a lack of confidence in the material. I'll be honest, I haven't read "The Immortals," so I can't say as to whether it's crap. But this cover....I'd stay away. Probably.







Okay, I'm exhausted. There's definitely more ways a cover can be bad, but that last one wore me out. I feel like I just ran half a mile. Shut up, that's pretty far. For comparison, in my opinion, this is a very good cover:





See? Simple. Snarky. Modern. Cute. It's a funny book about the end of days and you know what-this cover communicates that to me. The cover is just enough to get me reading the synopsis-which is exactly what a cover should do. Pique your interest. Not turn you on, or tell you the entire story, or remind you that it is actually a T.V. show you may have watched. The cover should be a bit of a tease, and no, not in that way. Please. Please, not in that way.

The Worst Book. Ever.

This will be the first and last time I use the term "Spoiler Alert." You should just assume that if I'm reviewing a book, I'm sure as hell going to spoil as much as humanly possible for you. I'm trying to ensure you DON'T read the book. I would go as far as to personally ship you my copy to keep you from buying some of these gems. This one absolutely included. If for some reason you must read one of these books(I.E. you need to torture a prisoner, punish a child, or do something akin to cutting yourself that won't leave scars[that anyone will see]) I'll pay for postage. Just please make sure Miss Nancy Werlin doesn't make any more money off of a book she surely wrote on a lunch break.



That's right, the award for the worst book I've ever read goes to...





"Impossible" by Nancy Werlin





Plot Overview:
Young Mary Sue, I mean...Lucy... is 17, on the cusp of adulthood and excited for her upcoming prom. She's very pretty but doesn't know it, she's very smart but doesn't think she's that clever, and all the boys love her yet she thinks she's a geek. She's adopted, see, because her mom is a crazy bag lady who occasionally drops by her school to yell things at her and sing the Simon and Garfunkle Song, Scarborough Fair(awesome.) Rounding out our list of important characters are neighbor Zach, (See: Standard Love Interests, Vol. 1.) and Evil Fairy Man who is gorgeous and evil. (Normally something I dig, except...well, just keep reading.)

SMASH CUT TO:Lucy gets raped on prom night by her date, except it isn't REALLY her date, it's Evil Fairy Man wearing her date as a human suit. And, to top it all off, she gets pregnant. Lucy decides to keep the baby because it's her baaaaaaaby, even though according to legend(or Simon and Garfunkle, I was never quite clear) when her baby is born, Evil Fairy man will turn her insane because he will rape her constantly. Just like he did her mother. Aaannywaaay...ummmm...the only way to avoid this fate(this is a Young Adult novel, I should probably add) is by completing the three tasks laid out in the Simon and Garfunkle classic:



1. Make a seamless shirt without a needle.

2. Buy land in between salt water and the "sea strand"

3. Plow and reap some flowers there with a goats horn



She is able to complete the three tasks the following ways:

1. She builds a shirt out of duct tape. (Alright...)

2. She doesn't buy land, but she does find a beach, like any other beach, and decides it fits this definition (...Clever?)

3. She plows flower seeds with a goat's horn(it took her the entire book to figure out this "riddle"-and she just ended up following the instructions...exactly???)



So in the end, she has the baby, marries Zach(because GOD FORBID we have a YA novel where a girl has a baaaaaaby and isn't maaaaarrrriiiiieeed) and the Elf man...dies...because she beat his impossible, impossible curse. Not sure why he died, maybe Simon and Garfunkle were so pissed about their song being used in such a crappy way they reached through the novel and smote him with their folk.

Choice quote of the novel:

Zach, describing sex with Lucy after they were married:

"He felt animal. He felt...mated."

Redeeming Factor:

Right as Lucy is leaving to go to prom, her crazy bag lady mom shows up and just starts tossing beer bottles at her. HAHAHA! Great scene. Great scene.

Writing Quality:

5th grade level. No, I don't mean it's for 5th graders. I mean, the writing seems like it is by a 5th grader. Almost all the action takes place in between chapters, you know, because writing the actual plot is soo harrrdd and Nancy Werlin has better things to do, like laughing all the way to the bank and bathing in virgin's sweet, sweet blood.

The "Ew" Factor:

Oh, this rates at a 10. Fairy rape. I mean, come on. I really don't want to know what pictures and videos are on Nancy Werlin's hard drive. I have a feeling it's not LOL cats. Eeeeyuck.

On a rating scale of bad books from 1-10, 10 being Twilight(bad but..soo good), 1 being a book with blank pages with poo smeared on them, this one comes in at:

1. Seriously. Just don't do it.

Not So Humble Beginnings

In First Grade I was totally the girl you wanted to punch in the face. I loooooved reading and was "advanced," and already on chapter books, and not humble about it at all. Don't worry, it all evened out by College when I graduated with a much lower GPA than you, but my glory days in academia were GLORIOUS. So as I was saying, because of my huge brain, they had to give me a chapter book while everyone else read, I don't know, something about dogs and Sally and Tom. They gave me The Boxcar Children. This book series, about a bunch of hobo kids that live in a broken down train and are just tryin' to get by, almost killed my love of reading.

It was SO BORING. I didn't care about a bunch of kids who had to hunt for food or run away from stray dogs or whatever it was those books were about, I'll be honest, I have blocked most of it from my memory. I wanted to read about unicorns and fairies and witches. Luckily this was when I discovered Roald Dahl, who saved my literary life.

But still..there were times in these early days which challenged my love for the written word...Anne Of Green Gables...shudder. That was the last time I let my mom reccommend a book to me. To this day, she'll leave books in my room she thinks I'll like and I'll have flashbacks of the week I had to pretend to enjoy the Gables books my mom had just bought me.

It wasn't until High School that it really clicked for me: some books suck. I know this seems like a very simple conclusion I should have come to much, much earlier-but remember that the pinnacle of my academic achievement occured in first grade, and it might have gone all downhill from there. It was an important conclusion, and since then, I happily read constantly, even the crappy books.

I'm not sure why I have to finish every book I start, it's almost a compulsion. No matter how bad it is, no matter how early I realize how bad it is, I have to find out how the story ends. And further, I buy every book I read. No libraries for me! I'd like to say that this is because of some really cool philosophy I have about owning literature, but the truth is something more like I'm really lazy and getting a library card when you have an out of state ID is too annoying.

My first review will be of the Worst Book I Have Ever Read, so get ready. I have some catching up to do from this summer, as well-15 books that were just the crappiest, and 5 that I'll actually reccommend to you! No one reads this blog yet, which I will admit is embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as Stephenie Meyer's sex scenes though, so I got that going for me.