Guilty....what?

I wasn’t going to review this book initially-I read it back in August, but as I haven’t read a bad book in a while I thought it was high time for some book bashing.

Why I bought this book:

I’ll set the scene: you’re a relatively smart, relatively not unattractive (but no Mary Sue) 20-something lady who enjoys fantasy and horror fiction novels. You go to Barnes And Noble so often they know you there. (They also know you at “Pretzel Time” and the Cheesesteak place in the mall-“oh, you’re the girl who wants three cheeses on her sandwich!” “What-oh-no, what? Um, no..” “No-Three cheese girl! THREE CHEESE GIRL!!” **sob** om nom nom **sob**) Anyway you’re at this particular Noble quite a bit and you practically have their science fiction section memorized. Nothing looks awesome. Nothing looks different. And maybe-just maybe, you feel like a little sexy vampire action. NO-NOT LIKE-NOT LIKE TWILIGHT, OKAY? Some real, adult, sexy vampire action that is DONE WELL, okay? WITH A PLOT. Maybe you like that, sometimes. And maybe you’re even willing to go for some fluff-BUT NOT FOR ICKY ROMANCE NOVELS, OKAY? OKAY I HAVE MADE THAT MISTAKE, BEFORE, it at an airport bookstore, oh man, regardless. The scene is now set.

There’s this author, Laurell K. Hamilton, and she’s got this series of books, and they are always described as super hot and sexy or whatever, but relatively well written and plot-based. You have avoided these books because the covers are always real-life hot ladies, and you know my stance on that. But this time-in this Barnes N Noble-there are copies of her books with less crappy covers(see above.) And you tell yourself, “Self, it might suck. But it will be fun and hot, and we’ll get through this together.”

And Then You Don’t Even Get That
Or, Plot Summary

It’s funny that it’s called “Guilty Pleasures,” because that’s exactly what I thought it would be, and it was, except, without the pleasure. So it’s just “Guilty.” This is a “hot” “sexy” vampire book that has absolutely NO FUN. It’s against fun. What’s that-you there, reader-are you eating chocolate cake right now? I DEMAND YOU STOP! THIS BOOK IS A NO FUN ZONE.

Anita Blake. The main character. How do I describe this lady. Well, she’s very tough. Think “biker chick,” but then subtract any of the funny quirks or crazy antics a biker chick might have. So just-like, your 7th grade math teacher-the one with a mushroom hairdo-is a tough biker chick who never ever ever has fun. And, she’s a vampire hunter. And, she raises the dead.

Mmmmm…sound like a cool protagonist? WELL THEN YOU BETTER STOP THINKING THAT. This book is a NO COOL ZONE. And a no-good-hair zone. Not to be picky about superficial things, but seriously, why do you think people read these books? If I'm getting hot and sexy vampire action, everyone better have pretty hair. But I dyegress(SeewhatIdidthere).

Let’s trudge through some plot. Anita has to go to a bachelorette party and she can’t stop bitching about how much she doesn’t want to go-because, you know, PARTIES? WHAT THE HELL. THAT SOUNDS FUN AND YOU KNOW OUR POLICY ON THAT. Her best friend is super pumped for it and as a result, we know this character is a total idiot. Also-you know what? There are only three girls going to the bachelorette party. That’s just sad. Who is this girl, me?

In this universe, the Vampires have come out of the closet to the world, so to speak. And so the bachelorette party turns out to be at the local Vampire Strip Club. I perked up here. I was like HAHA-this will be AWESOME! It sounded like Desert Flame, the-er-low end strip club in my old home town. Add vampires to THAT place? Perfect. But then Anita just grumble grumble grumbly mgees the whole time about how much she hates vampires and how bad this is and blah blah blah NO! LAUREL K. HAMILTON I AM SERIOUS. THE FACT THAT YOU DID NOT HAVE A SCENE WITH A VAMPIRE STRIPPER DRESSED UP AS A FIREMAN OR SOMETHING HILARIOUS, IT IS UNFORGIVABLE.

Anita was right to distrust the place, of course. The whole night was set up as a plot to trap her into working for the vampires. Which she does. They force her to find the person that keeps killing a bunch of vampires in the area. And she’s all “Uh, I kill vampires. No, I didn’t kill your buddy Bob, like, specifically-but, you understand this is a little awkward, please explain?” And they are all “I dunno, ask Laurel.”

So Anita starts searching-joylessly searching-for the vampire killer. Along the way she is almost raped by a gigantic WERE-RAT, you heard that right-THAT WAS THE ONLY SEX SCENE-a were rat almost raping her-ARE YOU KIDDING ME IS THIS REAL LIFE.

She ends up discovering it’s this guy who also raises people from the dead-like she does-except he’s super powerful because he is also dead. But he was raised from the dead. Dead dead deady dead dead dead. Also, dead.

Then she kills the vampires who hired her, but not all of them. And then she’s all “That was fun.” Just kidding.

CAPS LOCK

Thank you for your help in this review.


Writing Level
Eh.


Ick Factor

RAT RAPE ARE YOU KIDDING ME. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME. 10.

Rating

2-unless you hate having a good time, in which case, 6.

Odd's Bobs!

In the last week and a half I have read 52. PAGES.

..I don't know whether to be embarassed of this or not.

But for what it's worth, during some research on a website I belong to: Goodreads.com, I discovered some hilarious-and horrific things- about The Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Claire(You know the one-kiss me, brother! BUT WE CANNOT. OH BUT WE MUST. OH THE PAIN OF LOVING YOUR SISTER TOO MUCH.)

Though these were her first novels, she was actually a well known writer long before them. You know. In Fan Fiction. Harry Potter Fan Fiction. INCESTUAL HARRY POTTER FAN FICTION.

And-AND-as if this isn't (hilarious? horrifying?) enough, she was involved in a huge plagiarism scandal. FAN FICTION PLAGIARISM SCANDAL. I just-what! I didn't-like, okay you guys get why that's a little funny, a little weird, a little shitty, and A LOT mind boggling?

I cannot believe I bought this book. I cannot believe I read these books. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. I am slightly delighted.

Lesson # 2

So you checked the cover:

-No sultry real-or real-looking model CHECK

-No over-abundance in details(ie:leaf patterns, handkerchiefs, horses, etc.) CHECK

-No cheesy graphics CHECK

-Simple/artistic/vague/etc CHECK



Your interest-PIQUED. Your next step? Check the back cover for the book description.



How to Tell a Crappy Book from the Description



How I wish I could tell you that this is a fool-proof method of avoiding a crappy book. But remember, I end up buying my fair share of crappy books. It’s why I have this blog(that and I need attention.) (Too real?) (Lucy of Impossible: “Getting pregnant worked for me.”)

So, no. Sometimes terrible books have good descriptions, but Odd’s Bobs, I’m doing what I can here. This will guard against the majority of them.



[note: in Wild Magic, the exclamation of choice(I assume it’s the Magical Land of Something Something’s version of “Damnit”) is “Odd’s Bobs.” This was hilarious to me for some reason, but I couldn’t quite figure out why(maybe because like, who is Odd and what the F are his BOBS, srsly)-so I didn’t mention it in the review. However, I will be employing this phrase on my blog often so just..FYI]



“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”



-Twilight, By Stephenie Meyer



I’ll call this example “Plot. I has it.”

If it seems likes the description just gave up the entire plot of the novel, that’s because..it did. I feel like, and you can tell me if I’m out of line here, but if your book is romance-centered, you probably shouldn’t tell us immediately that the characters fall in super love omg. It would be like if Harry Potter:7’s back cover(Spoiler alert, whatever) stated: “No worries, Harry’s going to live and Voldemort’s going to die. Oh and a weasley twin gets it and everyones like OH NO OH NO ODD’S BOBS WHYYYYY”

Another example of this example: Mortal Coils-that one gave up the ghost by telling us on the back cover that the twins’ mother and father were Lucifer and a Goddess. (I just found that this author has a blog and my heart stopped for a second, wondering if he would ever stumble across this thing. Look I know it probably will never happen: but if any of you find this, I just want to say that I’m sorry, I’m probably just jealous, I suck and you’re great, please don’t hit me.)

Example number 2:

"Thirteen-year-old DaIne has always had a knack with animals, but it's not until she's forced to leave home that she realizes it's more than a knack -- it's magic. With this wild magic, not only can Daine speak to animals, but also she can make them obey her."

Wild Magic, by Tamora Pierce


I'll call this example, "Contagious Bad Writing."

This is simple. Repetitive use of "knack" and "magic," the actual use of the title of the book in the second sentence of the teaser, etc. Even the back cover is poorly written. I'm pretty sure-though not certain-that authors don't usually write their own back covers. So I'm pretty sure what happens is that the book is so bad it seeps into the person writing copy, like a demon, like wild wild magic.

Example number 3:


"The moonlight calls to them.

The full moon determines their destiny.

The dark of the moon seals their fate.

A secret society of werewolves.

The Dark Guardians are their protectors.

Betrayal will put their very existence in danger."

Moonlight, by Rachel Hawthorne


I'll call this example, "Winky winky face."

Does it seem like the back cover is trying a little too hard? Being a little TOO creative? Why aren't they just telling you a bit about the book? Is it a poem? Is it a limerick? In short: does it feel like the back cover is fucking WINKING at you? It's not going to be a good book. This is like the book cover that has too much on it: they are not confident in the material.

If you want to read a good back cover description, check out China Meiville's Perdido Street Station. It's solid. Don't have it with me but I'll add it later.

Speaking of later, Later suckers!

Boo!(ks)

Have a spooky week with some dark fantasy books:


Perdido Street Station, by China Meiville


Nightwatch, Daywatch, Twilightwatch, by Sergey Lukyanenko


The Gargoyle, by Andrew Davidson


Smoke and Mirrors, Neil Gaiman


And some straight up horror short story collections:


The Living Dead (includes one from Neil Gaiman!)(The very first is my favorite, and there's one in here I think would make an unbelievable prose AND I STAND BY THAT.)

Monster Book of Monsters(K that's from Harry Potter. No, I can't remember the name-it's at my apt. Maybe Sara will be nice enough to find it for you, if you're interested. Pretty good, mostly eery, I didn't skip one story.)

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen!

I still don't have a costume and I am....

And then the Badger Crawled Into Her Bed

Ladies! Gentleman! Members of the Jury! Kids! Friends! Loved Ones! Players! Haters! Ballers! Shot Callers! Cats! Dogs! Men! Wimmins! Janitors! Lawyers! Daughters of Eve! Sons of Adam! Jerks and Non Jerks alike! I GIVE YOU.........................



WILD MAGIC. BY TAMORA PIERCE.




OH I'M SORRY DID YOU THINK THE BOOK COVERS WERE DONE? OH THEY HAVEN'T. EVEN. BEGUN.

It's--okay, it's not even the sheer amount of covers this book is printed in-which there are even more(MORE!MOOOORE!) than I've included here-it's like Tamora Pierce READ my bad covers post and was like OOH SHE'S GIVING ME IDEAS..it's..amazing, it's like a present from the gods or THE IMMORTALS-right-okay, here we go.

Plot Overview

Young Daine is young, super young, 13, so I was just praying that there was nothing awkwardly sexual in this book (Note to Past Christina from Future Christina: Some times prayers are answered in mysterious ways! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.) Anyway she lives in a magical land called something something, and she's hired by a lady named Onua to help her herd horses to the King's castle. She's hired because she has a way with animals, oh did you know she has a WAY with ANIMALS? SHE has a way with ANIMALS! This phrase is dropped-like an anvil-on us so many times in the first chapter finally I was like "look, I'm so tired of being afraid beastiality is going to be in this book I would rather it just happen, just happen and get it over with so that I can relax and move on" and that was literally when a Badger crawled into her bed and told her she was not really human and I almost burst into tears.(Note to Future Christina from Past Christina: BLOW ME.) But nothing.. happened.. except every night, animals crawl into her bed and are all"you aren't human" and I'm just,ok, book, work with me. Work with me! I'm trying not to be freaked out by you!

...you know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of a 30 minute conversation I once had with someone proving in three specific ways why beastiality was wrong and they were all UH HUH I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROVE THIS TO ME, THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE I COULD SWING EITHER WAY ON but I was just like no, see look I figured out like these three specific reasons and they were like OK GOT IT, I GOT IT.

Anyway I need to keep moving-they meet scary monsters on the way that she ARROWS (big spiders with human heads) and she meets an injured hawk that she heals but he turns into a man and it makes no sense why any of these things happen, or how she does them but the book is all don't question it it's magic it's wild, wild magic, and then we end up at the King's Castle and her new job is to train soldiers(by being all super close to the horses because she has a way with animals.)

Um..and then a pack of wolves helps her kill some bandits that murdered her family, she defeats a kraken, and adopts a dragonet. ..

...the end.

THE WRITING. SWEET ZEUS, THE WRITING.

There are so many problems with it I don't even know where to begin. Perspectives change willy nilly and often in the middle of PARAGRAPHS and it's so confusing(probably a little like reading this blog post) and there's a narrator...kind of, but the narrator just jumps in to explain things every once in a while-and it just doesn't make any sense-and we're like, WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY and the book is like shhh, it's magic, wild wild magic.

I'll focus on my biggest problem with the writing-the battle scenes. They don't make any sense because Pierce is too lazy to explain WHAT is going on. It will go, "Then a monster came and then Daine killed the monster" OK, WHAT! What does the monster look like? How did she kill her? What? And then there will be tons of monsters all of a sudden, and it's all so very vague and it's like-I just imagine people trying to direct a play using only the direction of the book and so people are standing around on stage, some dressed as monsters(but they don't know what to dress like so they're just wearing funny hats) and the director will go, "Okay, so then Daine kills the monster..?" And Daine would look around and be like "Uh which one?" "I don't know JUST PICK ONE!" And so she'll walk up awkwardly to the closest funny hat guy and just yell"I KILL YOU!" and the funny hat guy looks confused and shrugs and falls down dead? And then everyone shuffles their feet a little.

I'm a little sick in the head

Look, you try reviewing crappy books with weird sex themes and see what it does to your perspective. You just try it.

This book is Woman Powery

There are anvil-sized feminist themes here. Daine always wants to wear pants like the men, there are women soldiers, and Daine is always pointing out "WOMEN ARE JUST AS GOOD IF NOT BETTER THAN MEN" And that's great, I support that, but what kept running through my head was Pierce(the author) going to, you know, feminist organizations or something and being like, "seeee seee don't you want to be associated with my booook!" and them being all horrified with how bad it is and trying to hide it and not wanting to be associated with it AT ALL-"oh yes how great, she wears pants, yes we like pants here at feminists.com, but maybe you should go show this to feminists.netorwhatever, they're...way more..into pants-" and pierce is all "but look, in my book women get to be soldiers seee! SEEee! And feminist.com is all "uh huh right, is that before or after a bunch of animals crawl into her bed?" And it's just hilarious all around and it ends in an awkward handshake or something and Pierce later discovers there IS no feminist.netorwhatever-but Pierce's not thinking oh they totally blew me off she's like ohh there IS NO SPOON, and then she goes back to her tree hut made of garbage.


Book Rating
I had much more fun reviewing this book than reading it. It's terrible. 2 stars. You know, out of the normal ten.

"You're just jealous."

Sara and I went on a magickal** adventure to our neighborhood Barnes N Noble this weekend, which will lead to my book review tonight,(I swear I will start reviewing books again and actually doing what I said I would do in this blog description)-- and also spawned the discussion on “Well if these books are so crappy, why don’t you write one and make like a bagillion dollars and STFU?” (Except it was nicer and Sara was honestly asking.) It’s a good point. Especially in light of the recent explosion in teeynayger vampeeeer luuuuurrrv story books that are, quite frankly, disgusting fill- in- the blanks:

Hot Vampire In Highschool For Some Reason: Hello Young Girl, I am going to ignore you/be a dick/say cryptic things to you for a while
Young Girl: But you’re sooo hot!
Hot Vampire In School: Okay, we can date, but I am like 100 years old(A PEDOPHILE, HELLO)/a monster who wants to drink your blood/have a spotty past/have dangerous frenemies!
Young Girl: But you’re soooo hot!
(they date, YG IN DANGER, make out scene, fade to black)

For those of you who are just tuning in to this genre, no this is not just the “plot” of twilight, it’s the "plot" of 900 other popular vamppeeeeerr books right now. I don’t even have to read them to know-I am just that good. At this. Quiet sobs.

Well, there are a few reasons I don’t just try to write one myself(AND NONE ARE THAT I’M JUST JEALOUS), and here they are. In the process I’ll try to slam as many books as possible, because I AM the Grinch That Stole Your Young Adult Gross Romance Noveelllll.

1. If you write a book when you are too young/have little experience writing, it’s going to turn out as a mirror image of the book(s) you love.
I don’t know this from experience or anything(I know this from experience) but trying to write fantasy is really hard. It’s true that nothing is really original anymore BUT, as Stephen King points out in his new forward to the Dark Tower series, if he tried to write fantasy when he was 19, it would have been a sad mimicry of Lord of the Rings. (See: Eragon, et al. AKA Diet Lord of the Rings. LOTR Light. The Fellowship of the Rings: Zero, The Two Towers Ghost, Return of the Diet Sprite.) And so, though these Vamp books are sad little paint-by-numbers, and they actually SHOULD and DO mimic each other, I don’t think I could even mimic them if I tried-it would be a mimic of a mimic of a mimic, it would be three pages long and covered in my own tears and blood. It’s hard enough to try and write ORIGINAL stories, I can’t even imagine trying NOT to.
2. I don’t want my name attached to that!
3. It just doesn’t work. I once heard an interview from the most famous Romance Novelist Everrr on the radio(can’t remember her name right now…) and she was talking about how so many people make fun of romance novels and say that "they could write one in the snap of a finger"-but when they try to write one, the books are terrible-because it’s clear in their writing that they hate the genre and are making fun of the readers. She may have even cited a few authors or something. Anyway, the target audience would hate my book because there would be a lot of “And then Julia Delurvely realized she was in love with Martin LeVampsies, even though he may not have a soul, may kill her, and if things progressed the way she wanted to it would be statutory. Because Julia Delurvely was just that “brave.”)
4. I don’t want to.
5. If I ever do get the balls to try and write something, I don’t want it to be intentionally bad.

Instead, I have decided to transcribe Romanda’s attempt at a vampire love story-forgive her, remember that she’s illiterate- and has trouble understanding a few basic things about fiction-anyway, here you go:

ROMANDA GETS A VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, by ROMANDA POO-LEWIS

ONE DAY I WOKE UP AND THERE WAS A VAMPIRE IN MY ROOM HIS NAME WAS EDWARD CULLEN HE WAS PRETTY IN THE FACE I SAID DID YOU EAT MY BABIES HE SAID NO YOU ALREADY DID THAT I SAID OKAY, I SAID WELL I WOULD KISS YOU BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE REPULSED BY THE SMELL HE SAID OH NO YOU SMELL SO GOOD I LOVE IT I SAID OKAY SO WE DID WE MASHED OUR FACES ALL TOGETHER THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY MAKE OUT RIGHT OKAY SO THEN HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND.

***An actual spelling of the word “magical” in the description of a book Sara and I found- that I decidedly, did not buy.

A Mary Sue Board Meeting

(In attendance: Bella Swan of Twilight, Clary Fray of Mortal Instruments, Lucy of Impossible, Book Sookie Stackhouse, and TV show Sookie Stackhouse.)

Bella(very bored):How long is this going to take? Edward is like, waiting in my room. And no offense to you all, but he’s gorgeous. And a VAMPIRE. And I love him deeply, deeper than the softest breeze. A love that no other-
Book Sookie: WE GOT IT, BELLA.
Clary Fray:…What do you mean, no offense to you all? Are you trying to imply we are not gorgeous? Because although I am very convinced I am an awkward looking, pale mess, everyone(and by everyone, I mean every male character in my book) assures me I am like, a goddess
Lucy:: Me, too!
Book Sookie: Yeah, I got that goin’ on too, ya’ll.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools)
Bella: Well, I won’t think I’m pretty until I get vampire-d. Right now I think I’m a huge disgusting fat slob human, especially compared to my sweet, loving, indestructible, perfect, sparkling-
Book Sookie: WE. GOT. IT.
Bella: I think you’re just mad because my vampires are hotter than your vampires.
Book Sookie: I’m sorry, have you seen the T.V. show?
Bella: (sniffs) I don’t watch T.V.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools, falls over, starts crawling around the floor)
Lucy: Was there a reason we called this meeting? I need to get back to MY BABY.
Bella: I LOVE Babies!
(Everyone in the room who has read Breaking Dawn look at eachother with knowing, yet horrified expressions)
Clary Fray: We are looking to induct new characters into the Mary Sue hall of fame. First on the list..we have a…hermeeeown graynjeer?
Hermione: (Sighs loudly)
Lucy: Okay, well, let’s go down the check list, shall we, Hermeeyowny?
Hermione: ….I would correct you, but I’m kind of above it.
Lucy: Are you a book worm who is Smarter than She Realizes?
Hermione: Oh no, I totally realize that I am usually the smartest person in the room.
Bella: Hmmm. Confident. That’s…different. Well, second of all, are you secretly super hot?
Hermione: Not when I was a kid. I guess so, now. But not a whole lot is said about my looks. The narrator of my book thinks of me as a sister.
Book Sookie: (is making notes) thinks…me…as…sister. Now, wait a second. Is this narrator the hero of your book?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. BIG time. Super broody, tragic past, he even dies and comes back to life Gandalf style. It’s awesome.
Bella: (blank stare) And…you two don’t end up together?
Hermione: (chuckles) No way. I end up with his goofy best friend.
Clary: …the GOOFY best friend? Not the tortured hero? I just..wait..did you like, turn him down or something because he actually WAS your brother?
Hermione: (is less amused now) NO. I never turned him down. There was never anything-whatever-I love RON, I love his red hair-
All but Hermione: RED HAIR!!
Hermione: -and I don’t mind that he is poor-
Bella: HE IS POOR!!
Hermione:-or that he’s not a good dresser-
Clary: EW.
Book Sookie: Okay, okay. I need to put an end to this, ya’ll. This is just depressing. Sorry Hermione, you just don’t make the cut.
Hermione: (up turned noses out the door)
Book Sookie: Oh, god. Where is TV Sookie?
TV Sookie: (has fallen asleep under a table in the next room)
Bella: No time to go find her! Next on the list, we have…Lyra Silvertongue.
Lyra: (Walks in, is covered in dirt)
(all start taking furious notes and making big x’s on their sheets of paper)
Lucy: How old are you, sweet heart?
Lyra: (consults the aleithiometer to decide whether or not to kill her)
Lucy:(looks uncomfortable)
Philip Pullman: OH GOD! How did this happen! Lyra, get away from them! Quick I’ll take you to the ice bears!
Phillip Pullman: (has just saved Lucy’s life.)
Bella: You know what I would rather be doing right now? Reading a BOOK. I LOVE reading. Probably just like the readers of MY book, which allows them to imagine that they are ME, who is AWESOME and PERFECT-
Clary:I would rather be reading a book MORE
Lucy: I’m more of a book nerd than-
CRACK OF LIGHTING! THUNDER! BELLE of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST APPEARS OUT OF A CLOUD OF SMOKE LOOKING…NOT PLEASED
Belle: Oh HELL no I do NOT hear this conversation happening without me!
Lucy:(approving nods) Now HERE is someone with potential to be in our super cool MarySue club.
Belle: YOU BITCHES THINK you can induct ME into a Mary Sue club? I HAVE BEEN MARY SUEING SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. I COME FROM THE CREATOR OF MARYSUES. (does a sort of whistle) You bitches need to see this!
Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine, and Snow White POOF appear behind her
Belle: Where’s mulan? I think we’re going to need her.
Ariel: Technically, she doesn’t make the cut. But she said she has our backs if necessary.
Bella: (High pitched and wobbly) Now, I’m not sure what this is about but you need to remember that I have a very powerful VAMPIRE boyfriend..
Snow White: Who isn’t here. (smiles evily.)
(Clary,Lucy, Bella, and Book Sookie notice that all the princesses are armed. They look around wildly. TV show Sookie picks this time to crawl back into the room, braying like a sheep)
Clary: I can write runes! I can! They are the most powerfullest runes ever! All I have to do is take out my rune writing tool which is in my-which is right here in my-(searches pockets frantically)
(Lyra awesomely pick pocketed her earlier.)
Book Sookie: I can read minds..and ya’ll…this does not look good. What are ya’lls a secret powers?
Bella: I can block you from reading my mind!
Book Sookie: Oh great. That really, really helps us. What can YOU do, Lucy??
Lucy: sow flowerseeds on a beach?
Clary: We are so fucked.
Lucy: WITH A GOAT’S HORN! It was really hard!
(Princesses raise their machine guns, but aurora hesitaties.)
Aurora: Look, I feel bad killing that one. (points at TV Sookie) She seems… a little slow.
Ariel: I gotta say, I am a fan of True blood. If we kill her, no more Eric. And I love my Erics.
Belle: Okay, you get a pass, TV Sookie, but the rest of you, prepare to die!
Book Sookie: What about me! I mean, you kill me, no chance for an 8th season! That’s as far as the books go!
Ariel: That’s really pushing it, but fine. You are slightly less annoying than these other three, anyway.
Belle: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE CHANGE OUR MINDS!
(the ground begins to shake)
(it feels like an earth quake)
(everyone looks around confused and panicked)
(in the distance, 14 million screaming twilight fangirls are stampeding toward the scene, carrying sparkling weaponry)
Belle: Shit! Alright, you all got lucky today. SO LUCKY! WATCH YOUR BACKS.
Aurora: Let’s get out of here!
Bella: (faints.)
Clary: (looks pensive and wounded)
Lucy: Well, I’ve been through worse. (SHE HAS. SHE REALLY HAS.)

The End

Snark: If it's not funny...it just sounds mean.

So I assume you have read this quote by Stephen King:

"[J.K.] Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."


Well, of course Meyer's herd of 14 year old fans were very, very mad about this quote and made it known, and so King responded to these fans:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb72V_4N5ko


I mean. I'm all for bashing Twilight..but this felt..a little..mean. I'm not sure if the 14 year olds will even get this, and Meyer didn't respond at all to King's initial comment(that I could find.) So I don't know whose team I'm on. I don't want to be on the side of Bad Writing, but I also don't want to be on the side of Defensive Bullies. Which honestly..I think King falls into the latter category here. I don't know. Your thoughts?

This just in!

I bought this book thinking "This is totally going to make my blog." And then, "Oh..oh..mg...I can't believe that sentence just happened in my brain." Followed by, "I need to delete my blog." Finished with, "You know you can't quit it now, it's giving you an outlet for your nerdiness and only three people know about it anyway."

So, that happened.

Regardless, this book made my blog, omg ugh, but not in the way I expected. It is super cute. Not a classic, definitely a kids book, but it's really adorable and engaging. My only beef is that it is a little too self-aware-to the point that it's self concious. Most chapters begin something like, "You are not going to believe this, but.." or "I know I sound crazy, but.." and it's like, dude. You need to understand something about your audience. We range from ages 5-infinity, and all of us are 100% with you on unicorns, dragons, witches, wizards, magic carpets, giants, fairies, you name it. No need to justify every chapter. We believe you. Now what were you saying about demon math teachers hmm?

If books were movies, I'd call this one a rental. As they say in my home country, Happy Friday!

The One Where I Start Feeling Bad for Being Such a B Word

...or, Mortal Coils.

Man, that image is enormous.






You know what this reminds me of?


WHY AM I SO HUGE!

Anyway, Mortal Coils.

Why I Bought this Book:

The plot synopsis on the back cover: Blah, blah blah-

"The twins are the offspring of a goddess and Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. "

**Credit card swipe!**

Cast of Characters:

*Elliot-15 y/o, one of the twins, sheltered, loves music, Angsty about Grandma Never Letting him have FUN HRMPH
*Fiona-15/o, obviously, since she's the other twin, sheltered, loves books, is angsty about...everything, she's 15 so that's fair HRMPH
*Overprotective Grandmother is overprotective!
*Unimportant Great Grandmother is Unimportant!
*Robert-Hey..Fiona needs a love interest, right? She's 15..that's old enough, right?
*Julie-The best character in the book. Oh, and Elliots...whatever.
*Everyone Else-is everyone else

Plot Synopsis

Chapter one..these twins have it hard. And by hard, I mean they are homeschooled and have to work at a pizza shop every day HRMPH. This author is having a clumsy time of trying to write for tweenagers. Half the time they sound like emotionally stunted 40 year olds and the other half the time I'm sorry I fell asleep the other half the time. Riveting...ur not doing it so wel akshully. Chapter two...OH NO, there are FOOTNOTES. BLESS HIS HEART. Now I feel bad! Footnotes...he spent a lot of time on this book! He wanted you to see he researched it("See? See, look, here, this is a book I read in preparation! Oh and here, this article, interesting stuff!!") Oh, geez I'm such a bitch. So from chapter two on, I tried to give this book every chance I could get.

Humble pie, I'm trying to eat it. Except... the mystery of this book is, I kid you not, who are the twins' mother and father. I KID YOU NOT. So I guess, for anyone who didn't read I don't know THE BACK COVER, maybe that mystery would have been interesting.

On the journey to discover this, mysterious, befuddling secret, the kids must be tested by their "mothers side" of the family (could it be the GODDESS, SIDE, MAYBE??) and also by their "Fathers side" of the family (totally stumped as to who that could be!) (lucifer, guys.) The tests range from the absurd to the cruel to the totally random. By that I mean, heal a crocodile's arm, kill a bunch of innocent people in order to get to a military secret, and quit eating chocolate. Really. REALLY.

That last one.. the quit eating chocolate one..is just for Fiona. And it is presented as "the classical challenge for a woman." WELL, that's not insulting! At all! Elliot's Classical Challenge for a Man is a girl trying to tempt him to bed..which would prove, what exactly? I'm not sure. But the girl tempting him is Julie, and she's awesome. She died and went to hell because she overdosed on heroine and is given the chance to live again if she succeeds in seducing Elliot.

Luckily for Elliot and Fiona(read:convenient), they both have magical powers that allow them to beat each task. Elliots is-and I'm not making this up-he's really good at playing the violin. Really. So, they'll be battling some demon, or axe murderer, or innocent civillian(really), and he will whip out his violin and be all "strum, strum, STRUM STRUM STRUMMMY" and something vaguelly happens each time as a result. Mainly, people fall in love with him. Like Julie, who decides not to seduce him, because she loves him. So she goes back to hell. ILU JULIE.

After a series of bizarre and pointless events, Elliot and Fiona discover their father is Lucifer (NO!) and their mother is a goddess(REALLY) and they defeat a big bad demon together. And afterwards, both the evil side of the family and the "good" side of the family are like "Cool, you've earned your place. Join us!" and you'd think after being put in horrific situation after horrific situation, being told to kill innocent people(by the GOOD side of the family), and generally being lied to and morally turn-tabled, they would be like "Screw both of you! I'm blowing this popsicle stand STRUM STRUM STRUM!" Except both of them happily accept the opportunity to join the gods and goddesses. And the readers are left with slightly agaped jaws. Because we dozed off.

I am such a b word:

This seriously was supposed to be me trying to be NICE.


Redeeming factor:

If you look closely enough on the cover you can see a demon's butt.


Rating:

This one I would say is better than Twilight, since you know, it had a plot. And footnotes. I'm such a horrible person. This book gets 20 stars!!! out of 93

"Butter Face" aka the True Blood Series

Before I get into my (slightly boring, less funny) rant on these books, let me start on a positive note:



Instead of reading "Impossible," read, "Graceling." It's a shorter, easy read that is mostly about romance-like Impossible, but without icky fairy-r. It's also refreshingly anti-marriage. Did I just say refreshingly anti-marriage? I did.



Instead of reading The Mortal Instruments Series, read "The Magicians." A MUCH better follow up for Harry Potter fans. It doesn't leave you with a gleeful "I LOVE MAGIC!" feelings like our dear HP, but its a story about a magic college and it is so. so. good.



Alright! on to "The Sookie Stackhouse Chronicles...AKA Lets See How Many Times We Can Beat this Pretty Bitch Up."

I'm going to try my very best not to spoil anything for fans of the TV show. No promises, but I'm going to try very hard.


Comparisons from the Books to HBO
1. The TV Show is soooooooooooo much better.
2. Book Sookie is a size 8 "on a good day" and has a beautiful face. In the show..................

3. Book Bill is kind of a dick. He doesn't tell Sookie he loves her, because he's a vampire and they can't feeeeel human eemmmotions. He's not romantic, and is constantly putting Sookie in danger and not feeling that bad about it. Show Bill is such a swooney gentleman!
4. Book Eric is hot and I love him. Show Eric is hot. and. I. love. him.
5. Plot-wise, Jason is not that integral in the books. The Show has invented ways to keep him in every episode and you don't hear me complainin.
6. Book Tara and show Tara are really different, but I don't like either incarnation of that character, so whatever.

My Problems with Charlaine Harris

1. The writing. Harris' other books are serial mysteries, so I'll give her that she is not used to this genre. But seriously, the descriptive details are OUT. OF. CONTROL. We'll have a whole chapter on what Sookie did on a Saturday morning, and Charlaine, if it's not Eric, I don't want to read about it! Like, "Sookie woke up and stretched and yawned and felt tired. She crawled out of her blue and white bedsheets that were slightly wrinkled from sleeping. She then took a shower, using her favorite Plumeria body gel. Then she dried off with a blue towel. Then she made eggs and toast and spread the butter evenly on both sides." ETC. YOU AREN'T CHARLES DICKENS, OKAY? We don't need to hear about the cobblestoned streets. What is the purpose of these scenes? And why isn't ERIC in MORE of them.

2. Feministy things. I can't explain wholely without spoiling a huge plot point in what will be next season of the show. So I guess, all I can say is watch, and we'll discuss then. But Charlaine pulls just an atrocious move with the Sookie/Bill storyline and starts justifying some horrific male/female stereotypes. No, I'm not talking about cookin and cleanin.

3. Why so much beating up of the human? Poor Sookie is constantly getting the crap kicked out of her. Again I don't want to spoil too much-like the series implies, she's more than human. But not that much more! She can't take you in a fight! Buffy was different-she had inhuman strength, so it was okay that she was always getting in tussles. Sookie gets so many horrific beatings it makes me wonder if Harris hates women.

Should you read the books if you are a fan of the Show?

Honestly, no. You aren't missing anything. I wish I could erase the books from my memory so I could enjoy the show more. I also wish that Anna Paquin was a slightly better actress. I also wish Eric was real, and loved me. I also wish I had a burrito to eat right now, but we don't always get what we wish for, now do we??!

You know what tops Sparkly Vampires? Incest.

Here we go... I am collapsing these three books, the Mortal Instruments Series, into one review because I care about you and don't want you to feel too much pain. "City of Bones," "City of Ashes," and "City of Glass" by Cassandra Clare all come to us reccommended by who else, Stephenie Meyer. Her review goes something like "This is a world I would love to live in." I can believe that.

But the reason I gave this book a shot? A review on the back cover said it was a must-read for Buffy fans. Not only do I think that reviewer has never watched an episode of Buffy, I think that reviewer hates Buffy, and hates me. I think that reviewer hates his life, and puppies, and love. I think that reviewer is anxiously awaiting the apocolypse so he can finally be alone, rid of humanity, except for one that he keeps chained in his basement to torture when he gets bored.

Plot Synopsis:
Clary Fray is a teenager, like 16 or whatever. She's an artist and she has a best friend named Simon who is obvs in love with her but they are juuuuust friiiiiends right now. Her mom's a big weirdo but she's beautiful and also an artist. There's a mystery as to Clare's past. Her father was "killed in a car accident when she was a baby" but those of us that have actually read a book know this is code for "my father is still alive and is someone super powerful and important to the novel." Anyhoo, Simon and Clare discover that there are demons in this world, and people called Shadowhunters, who kill those demons. Among the shadow hunters they meet is super hunk Jace. Clare loooooves Jace and he loooooves Clary. But Jace! is so tormented! by his past! he just does not think he is deserving of love! They kiss. They hunt for the big bad of the novel, whose name is Valentine. Valentine is this super powerful shadowhunter that wants to kill, like, everything-not just demons, but vamps and weres and stuff. Vamps and weres and stuff can be evil, but aren't always, so generally the Shadowhunter community is like, "No, V. Nice effort, but sit down. Sorry." Valentine dissappeared 16 years ago, believed to be dead. Are you figuring this out yet? Okay I'll tell you. Valentine is Clary's dad!......... And Jace's. Too. WHAT.

Deep breath. That's the end of the first book. Oks. So the second book is mainly composed of scenes where Jace and Clary end up alone in a room together and the sexual tension is just TOO MUCH and one or both of them are like "oh man I want you..kiss me..wait don't, we're like brother and sister! Not even LIKE brother and sister, we just are! I can't! We musn't!" It's disgusting. Also, one scene they make out. She trys to date Simon but it doesn't work because she's not attracted to him, she prefers, you know, RELATIVES. The second book doesn't matter, except Simon becomes a vampire and it's all a little too convenient, because now he can join their cool fighting club.

Enter third book: Valentine leads an army of demons to defeat the Shadowhunters so that he can...kill the demons the way he wants to? I don't know, it's a little shaky. Did I mention Valentine is super beautiful? That's cool. I like that. Anyway, the demons eat a bunch of people and there's a battle, and we meet Valentine's other son, Jonathan, and find out(and it's really not all that shocking) Jace isn't actually Valentine's son or Clary's brother. Jace and Clary discover that they have these huge, amazing powers no one else do(another shocker) and they are able to defeat their..wait, no, just Clary's...dad. And then they make out alot.


Choice quote:

"Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage--but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored. "In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations." "You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken. "Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit." "I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing." "Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.""


Redeeming Factor:

The third book is really the best, and saying that is like saying a first degree burn is the best out of all types of burns. There are a few scenes where a city is in mass chaos, being attacked by an army of demons and it's..a little cool. It gets pretty gory, and a few of the demons are kind of interesting/original. And reading how some of these annoying characters die is nice, too.

Tryin to tug on the ole' heart strings...factor

So of course no one that important to the novel dies. None of our "favorite" characters, just the extras. And 5 year old Max, Jace's adopted brother. It fails to move the reader, though, because we don't spend that much time with Max and the death is really clumsy and so unneccessary. I think he was chosen to die purely because he couldn't be paired off with a love interest. By the end of the novel EVERYONE had a love bunny. And I guess although Cassandra Clare does think bros and sisses should be kissy kissy, 5 year olds having girlfriends is TOO FAR. So he dies. Sorry, Max.

Writing Quality

Well, it's better than Twilight. I mean, not the book itself, the writing. Look, it's really predictable and gross and trite, but I don't think the writing itself is all that awful. So, we'll give Clare a solid 8 stars. (Out of 25.)

On a scale of 1-10 of crappy books...

If you liked Twilight, you'll like this book. But Twilight had an extra..something these books don't have. Maybe it was the hilarious combination of Vampires and Mormon virtue? I don't know. So these books get an 8/10.

UNTIL NEXT TIME(aka, probably tomorrow.)

Lesson # 1

We live in a crazy, fast paced world-and you probably have a very important job or lots of television to watch, so you just don't have a lot of time to read. Don't worry, remember, I'm doing that for you. But when you do actually have an hour or two out of your day and want to devote it to your friend and mine, the written word, you don't want to waste those precious moments on a crappy book.

I'm going to do my best to help you avoid that, but obviously I can't catch every crappy book before it reaches your hands, so I am going to teach you how to recognize a crappy book-quickly. The first lesson is:

How to Tell a Book Will Be Crappy By the Cover Art

It's important to note that cover art can be deceiving. Sometimes horrendous stinkers have excellent cover art, and sometimes-but VERY RARELY-good books have stupid cover art. But first things first.

What is "bad" cover art?

First of all, hot ladies. Realistic Hot ladies. What? Unless the book has been made into a movie(and even then..but I'll get there later)it makes absolutely no sense for there to be a picture of some rando model looking all sultry at us from the cover of an undoubtably crappy book. In this case, there are no exceptions. Real life hot lady on cover=bad book with lazy writing about a mary sue who falls in love with supernatural creature she's "SWORN TO RID THE WORLD OF" insert many awkward sex scenes. AVOID! AVOID!

"I'm so shy and smart. HAI VAMPIRE LETS MAKE OUT! I mean...no...we can't..Do you like my sweet perm?... OK YES WE CAN!"

Look at that blood-red font. It's probably symbollic for something.....but I'm just not sure....what...it could be....hmmmm

I like "Secret Vampire." She should have a sequel called "Transparent Ghost."

I don't know if you can see this, but she is wearing a skull necklace. Awesome. And her haircut is ALREADY dating this book. That's the other problem with putting photographs of your heroine on the cover. It's like, when I read Bridge to Terabithia, I don't picture the heroine having teased out hair and a bright purple windbreaker, but let's face it, it was published in the 1980's and thank goodness that cover wasn't like this one. Also check out that HIP POP. SASSY! You work it, daughter of death! Fog party!

........There are no words........(or feet.)



This is a case where there is just tooooo much going on. Like, leave a little to the imagination, okay? Your amazing fantasy novel may have T-Rexes, candles, lightning frogs, monkeys, tigers, rockin hair scarves, magical light-hands, ribbon pooping birds, skeptical horses, jammin leaf patterns, tiger blankets, sweet belts, tiger NECKLACES, and a triceratops, but we don't have to know all of that IMMEDIATELY. (And as if once wasn't enough, we also get a little miniature verson of this painting on the side!! They want to make sure you don't miss it!) It's overwhelming. And it shows a lack of confidence in the material. I'll be honest, I haven't read "The Immortals," so I can't say as to whether it's crap. But this cover....I'd stay away. Probably.







Okay, I'm exhausted. There's definitely more ways a cover can be bad, but that last one wore me out. I feel like I just ran half a mile. Shut up, that's pretty far. For comparison, in my opinion, this is a very good cover:





See? Simple. Snarky. Modern. Cute. It's a funny book about the end of days and you know what-this cover communicates that to me. The cover is just enough to get me reading the synopsis-which is exactly what a cover should do. Pique your interest. Not turn you on, or tell you the entire story, or remind you that it is actually a T.V. show you may have watched. The cover should be a bit of a tease, and no, not in that way. Please. Please, not in that way.

The Worst Book. Ever.

This will be the first and last time I use the term "Spoiler Alert." You should just assume that if I'm reviewing a book, I'm sure as hell going to spoil as much as humanly possible for you. I'm trying to ensure you DON'T read the book. I would go as far as to personally ship you my copy to keep you from buying some of these gems. This one absolutely included. If for some reason you must read one of these books(I.E. you need to torture a prisoner, punish a child, or do something akin to cutting yourself that won't leave scars[that anyone will see]) I'll pay for postage. Just please make sure Miss Nancy Werlin doesn't make any more money off of a book she surely wrote on a lunch break.



That's right, the award for the worst book I've ever read goes to...





"Impossible" by Nancy Werlin





Plot Overview:
Young Mary Sue, I mean...Lucy... is 17, on the cusp of adulthood and excited for her upcoming prom. She's very pretty but doesn't know it, she's very smart but doesn't think she's that clever, and all the boys love her yet she thinks she's a geek. She's adopted, see, because her mom is a crazy bag lady who occasionally drops by her school to yell things at her and sing the Simon and Garfunkle Song, Scarborough Fair(awesome.) Rounding out our list of important characters are neighbor Zach, (See: Standard Love Interests, Vol. 1.) and Evil Fairy Man who is gorgeous and evil. (Normally something I dig, except...well, just keep reading.)

SMASH CUT TO:Lucy gets raped on prom night by her date, except it isn't REALLY her date, it's Evil Fairy Man wearing her date as a human suit. And, to top it all off, she gets pregnant. Lucy decides to keep the baby because it's her baaaaaaaby, even though according to legend(or Simon and Garfunkle, I was never quite clear) when her baby is born, Evil Fairy man will turn her insane because he will rape her constantly. Just like he did her mother. Aaannywaaay...ummmm...the only way to avoid this fate(this is a Young Adult novel, I should probably add) is by completing the three tasks laid out in the Simon and Garfunkle classic:



1. Make a seamless shirt without a needle.

2. Buy land in between salt water and the "sea strand"

3. Plow and reap some flowers there with a goats horn



She is able to complete the three tasks the following ways:

1. She builds a shirt out of duct tape. (Alright...)

2. She doesn't buy land, but she does find a beach, like any other beach, and decides it fits this definition (...Clever?)

3. She plows flower seeds with a goat's horn(it took her the entire book to figure out this "riddle"-and she just ended up following the instructions...exactly???)



So in the end, she has the baby, marries Zach(because GOD FORBID we have a YA novel where a girl has a baaaaaaby and isn't maaaaarrrriiiiieeed) and the Elf man...dies...because she beat his impossible, impossible curse. Not sure why he died, maybe Simon and Garfunkle were so pissed about their song being used in such a crappy way they reached through the novel and smote him with their folk.

Choice quote of the novel:

Zach, describing sex with Lucy after they were married:

"He felt animal. He felt...mated."

Redeeming Factor:

Right as Lucy is leaving to go to prom, her crazy bag lady mom shows up and just starts tossing beer bottles at her. HAHAHA! Great scene. Great scene.

Writing Quality:

5th grade level. No, I don't mean it's for 5th graders. I mean, the writing seems like it is by a 5th grader. Almost all the action takes place in between chapters, you know, because writing the actual plot is soo harrrdd and Nancy Werlin has better things to do, like laughing all the way to the bank and bathing in virgin's sweet, sweet blood.

The "Ew" Factor:

Oh, this rates at a 10. Fairy rape. I mean, come on. I really don't want to know what pictures and videos are on Nancy Werlin's hard drive. I have a feeling it's not LOL cats. Eeeeyuck.

On a rating scale of bad books from 1-10, 10 being Twilight(bad but..soo good), 1 being a book with blank pages with poo smeared on them, this one comes in at:

1. Seriously. Just don't do it.

Not So Humble Beginnings

In First Grade I was totally the girl you wanted to punch in the face. I loooooved reading and was "advanced," and already on chapter books, and not humble about it at all. Don't worry, it all evened out by College when I graduated with a much lower GPA than you, but my glory days in academia were GLORIOUS. So as I was saying, because of my huge brain, they had to give me a chapter book while everyone else read, I don't know, something about dogs and Sally and Tom. They gave me The Boxcar Children. This book series, about a bunch of hobo kids that live in a broken down train and are just tryin' to get by, almost killed my love of reading.

It was SO BORING. I didn't care about a bunch of kids who had to hunt for food or run away from stray dogs or whatever it was those books were about, I'll be honest, I have blocked most of it from my memory. I wanted to read about unicorns and fairies and witches. Luckily this was when I discovered Roald Dahl, who saved my literary life.

But still..there were times in these early days which challenged my love for the written word...Anne Of Green Gables...shudder. That was the last time I let my mom reccommend a book to me. To this day, she'll leave books in my room she thinks I'll like and I'll have flashbacks of the week I had to pretend to enjoy the Gables books my mom had just bought me.

It wasn't until High School that it really clicked for me: some books suck. I know this seems like a very simple conclusion I should have come to much, much earlier-but remember that the pinnacle of my academic achievement occured in first grade, and it might have gone all downhill from there. It was an important conclusion, and since then, I happily read constantly, even the crappy books.

I'm not sure why I have to finish every book I start, it's almost a compulsion. No matter how bad it is, no matter how early I realize how bad it is, I have to find out how the story ends. And further, I buy every book I read. No libraries for me! I'd like to say that this is because of some really cool philosophy I have about owning literature, but the truth is something more like I'm really lazy and getting a library card when you have an out of state ID is too annoying.

My first review will be of the Worst Book I Have Ever Read, so get ready. I have some catching up to do from this summer, as well-15 books that were just the crappiest, and 5 that I'll actually reccommend to you! No one reads this blog yet, which I will admit is embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as Stephenie Meyer's sex scenes though, so I got that going for me.