Fifty Shades of Hey, Girl

You know, one of the first things I say about myself when meeting somebody new is that I like to read, I'm a "reader," I do that, I love books, they're great, it takes up most of my free time. And secretly, when I would tell people this (SUPER INTERESTING) fact about me, I would think to myself, "You sound so fascinating right now, and worldly, and cool, and different, like, who reads so much? They must think you are some kind of genius." Of course I wouldn't say any of that out loud, it was my little secret. Out loud I'd just be like, "Yeah, I guess I'm such a nerd, what can you do?" And yeah, this is gross, I'll admit it, but it was my one thing, you know? My one thing, the thing that makes me awesome, and EVERYBODY AGREES!

I realized something horrific today. When I call myself a reader, that I read, that I'm a bookie, if you will, THIS IS THE KIND OF BOOK THEY THINK I AM IN TO.

I cannot express to you how crushing this is. 

I have been waltzing around this city, yelling over music in bars, smugly noting in job interviews about how I'm a reaaaader, and this. This is what they have thought the whole time. This is the book *everyone* is reading right now, so everyone assumes I'm reading it too. Which, you know, I am, but I'm doing it ironically. Okay, nope, just got it, I really am the worst.

Fifty Shades of Grey, by EL James

Plot

Did you know that this is a sex book? Oh, it is. It's a sex book of sex. And your mom is reading it. Everybody, get on board. It's happening.  

And it's a specific kind of sex book. It's a BDSM sex book. Do you know what that is? I can't really remember what the initials stand for right now but it's probably something like, Boobs, Dominance, Supper, Moonbeam. I don't know. It's that whole spanking thing. Okay?

Calm down, I'm not going to tell you about the sex. That's what this book is! You can't hate on it for that. That would be like going to the garbage store and saying, "Hey! What's all this garbage doing in your store!" I'm here to tell you about the plot.

It's really complicated, try to keep up: This college girl, Anastasia, meets this ultra rich billionaire, Christian, and they date.

........

...

.

That's..that's it. I mean, once they go to IHOP. They order pancakes. That sounds delicious. Umm..she gets drunk at a bar and he picks her up? He buys her a lap top. In one action packed segment, he tells her he likes "Kings of Leon." Anastasia is surprised. 

Okay, there is more to it than that.

 At first, Christian doesn't want love, he just wants to "fuck." But more specifically, Boobs Dominance Supper Moonbeam fuck. He tells Anastasia that the only relationship they can have is outlined in this contract that she has to sign if she ever wants to see him again. And it's like, 

"You will be my sex slave and you have to do everything I say, and I'm into some real weird shit."  

<--- sign here. 

I think it's after that they go to IHOP? I'm not going to lie to you the IHOP part was my favorite part. Pancakes! I'm getting off track.

Will she sign?? Won't she??? Does he love her?? Does she him??? Can he love?? Is this healthy??? Probably not??? But no judgement??? That's the whole book, plus lots of *bedroom* *scenes.*

If you were wondering, yes this book is Twilight without the vampire cloaking device, so there is even LESS plot, thank goodness, wait, no, I think plot is a good thing, but I'm not sure anymore, my world is shattered.

I think one of the parts might be racist?

I mean, Anastasia has this friend Jose, who wants to bone her, and he's always slipping in and out of really kind of obvious, Spanish cliche sayings, like "Dios Mio, Ana!" And, okay, let's just decide that this isn't racist, cause I'm not sure, and there are other things I want to talk about. Like the fact that:

THIS IS A TRILOGY.

Because allllllll.llllll...lllllll that plot can't be wrapped up in one book!!!!! Are you kidding!!! They sort of break it off at the end of this one, but no one is fooled. The only real cliff hanger is whether or not Ana will make it to Jose's photography exhibition. 

The Ick Factor

I think I'm being fair, but you tell me. I went in being like, you can't get grossed out, this book is what it is, but then there was this chapter that started with Christian asking her "Are you bleeding?" And he wasn't talking about a paper cut, and then we get a description where something is pulled out and flung away. I..didn't need that. Please take it back.

Redeeming factor?

Let's talk about pockets.

"Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of his Blackberry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets."

Yeah! This is totally a thing! It's weird, like, aren't you guys uncomfortable? Get a purse!

"He stands and removes the condom, knotting it at the end, and puts it in his pants pocket."

THIS IS NOT A THING. THIS IS NOT A THING.

Book Rating

I heard someone say that when this is turned into a movie, Ryan Gosling should play Christian. Man, Ryan Gosling you guys. I could watch a movie about that dude trying to eat tomato soup with his hands. "Soupy" it would be called. Actually...I think I just got why this book is so amazing. I get it now, okay, got it. One million stars.