Lesson # 2

So you checked the cover:

-No sultry real-or real-looking model CHECK

-No over-abundance in details(ie:leaf patterns, handkerchiefs, horses, etc.) CHECK

-No cheesy graphics CHECK

-Simple/artistic/vague/etc CHECK



Your interest-PIQUED. Your next step? Check the back cover for the book description.



How to Tell a Crappy Book from the Description



How I wish I could tell you that this is a fool-proof method of avoiding a crappy book. But remember, I end up buying my fair share of crappy books. It’s why I have this blog(that and I need attention.) (Too real?) (Lucy of Impossible: “Getting pregnant worked for me.”)

So, no. Sometimes terrible books have good descriptions, but Odd’s Bobs, I’m doing what I can here. This will guard against the majority of them.



[note: in Wild Magic, the exclamation of choice(I assume it’s the Magical Land of Something Something’s version of “Damnit”) is “Odd’s Bobs.” This was hilarious to me for some reason, but I couldn’t quite figure out why(maybe because like, who is Odd and what the F are his BOBS, srsly)-so I didn’t mention it in the review. However, I will be employing this phrase on my blog often so just..FYI]



“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”



-Twilight, By Stephenie Meyer



I’ll call this example “Plot. I has it.”

If it seems likes the description just gave up the entire plot of the novel, that’s because..it did. I feel like, and you can tell me if I’m out of line here, but if your book is romance-centered, you probably shouldn’t tell us immediately that the characters fall in super love omg. It would be like if Harry Potter:7’s back cover(Spoiler alert, whatever) stated: “No worries, Harry’s going to live and Voldemort’s going to die. Oh and a weasley twin gets it and everyones like OH NO OH NO ODD’S BOBS WHYYYYY”

Another example of this example: Mortal Coils-that one gave up the ghost by telling us on the back cover that the twins’ mother and father were Lucifer and a Goddess. (I just found that this author has a blog and my heart stopped for a second, wondering if he would ever stumble across this thing. Look I know it probably will never happen: but if any of you find this, I just want to say that I’m sorry, I’m probably just jealous, I suck and you’re great, please don’t hit me.)

Example number 2:

"Thirteen-year-old DaIne has always had a knack with animals, but it's not until she's forced to leave home that she realizes it's more than a knack -- it's magic. With this wild magic, not only can Daine speak to animals, but also she can make them obey her."

Wild Magic, by Tamora Pierce


I'll call this example, "Contagious Bad Writing."

This is simple. Repetitive use of "knack" and "magic," the actual use of the title of the book in the second sentence of the teaser, etc. Even the back cover is poorly written. I'm pretty sure-though not certain-that authors don't usually write their own back covers. So I'm pretty sure what happens is that the book is so bad it seeps into the person writing copy, like a demon, like wild wild magic.

Example number 3:


"The moonlight calls to them.

The full moon determines their destiny.

The dark of the moon seals their fate.

A secret society of werewolves.

The Dark Guardians are their protectors.

Betrayal will put their very existence in danger."

Moonlight, by Rachel Hawthorne


I'll call this example, "Winky winky face."

Does it seem like the back cover is trying a little too hard? Being a little TOO creative? Why aren't they just telling you a bit about the book? Is it a poem? Is it a limerick? In short: does it feel like the back cover is fucking WINKING at you? It's not going to be a good book. This is like the book cover that has too much on it: they are not confident in the material.

If you want to read a good back cover description, check out China Meiville's Perdido Street Station. It's solid. Don't have it with me but I'll add it later.

Speaking of later, Later suckers!

Boo!(ks)

Have a spooky week with some dark fantasy books:


Perdido Street Station, by China Meiville


Nightwatch, Daywatch, Twilightwatch, by Sergey Lukyanenko


The Gargoyle, by Andrew Davidson


Smoke and Mirrors, Neil Gaiman


And some straight up horror short story collections:


The Living Dead (includes one from Neil Gaiman!)(The very first is my favorite, and there's one in here I think would make an unbelievable prose AND I STAND BY THAT.)

Monster Book of Monsters(K that's from Harry Potter. No, I can't remember the name-it's at my apt. Maybe Sara will be nice enough to find it for you, if you're interested. Pretty good, mostly eery, I didn't skip one story.)

Happy Halloweeeeeeeen!

I still don't have a costume and I am....

And then the Badger Crawled Into Her Bed

Ladies! Gentleman! Members of the Jury! Kids! Friends! Loved Ones! Players! Haters! Ballers! Shot Callers! Cats! Dogs! Men! Wimmins! Janitors! Lawyers! Daughters of Eve! Sons of Adam! Jerks and Non Jerks alike! I GIVE YOU.........................



WILD MAGIC. BY TAMORA PIERCE.




OH I'M SORRY DID YOU THINK THE BOOK COVERS WERE DONE? OH THEY HAVEN'T. EVEN. BEGUN.

It's--okay, it's not even the sheer amount of covers this book is printed in-which there are even more(MORE!MOOOORE!) than I've included here-it's like Tamora Pierce READ my bad covers post and was like OOH SHE'S GIVING ME IDEAS..it's..amazing, it's like a present from the gods or THE IMMORTALS-right-okay, here we go.

Plot Overview

Young Daine is young, super young, 13, so I was just praying that there was nothing awkwardly sexual in this book (Note to Past Christina from Future Christina: Some times prayers are answered in mysterious ways! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.) Anyway she lives in a magical land called something something, and she's hired by a lady named Onua to help her herd horses to the King's castle. She's hired because she has a way with animals, oh did you know she has a WAY with ANIMALS? SHE has a way with ANIMALS! This phrase is dropped-like an anvil-on us so many times in the first chapter finally I was like "look, I'm so tired of being afraid beastiality is going to be in this book I would rather it just happen, just happen and get it over with so that I can relax and move on" and that was literally when a Badger crawled into her bed and told her she was not really human and I almost burst into tears.(Note to Future Christina from Past Christina: BLOW ME.) But nothing.. happened.. except every night, animals crawl into her bed and are all"you aren't human" and I'm just,ok, book, work with me. Work with me! I'm trying not to be freaked out by you!

...you know what this reminds me of? This reminds me of a 30 minute conversation I once had with someone proving in three specific ways why beastiality was wrong and they were all UH HUH I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROVE THIS TO ME, THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE I COULD SWING EITHER WAY ON but I was just like no, see look I figured out like these three specific reasons and they were like OK GOT IT, I GOT IT.

Anyway I need to keep moving-they meet scary monsters on the way that she ARROWS (big spiders with human heads) and she meets an injured hawk that she heals but he turns into a man and it makes no sense why any of these things happen, or how she does them but the book is all don't question it it's magic it's wild, wild magic, and then we end up at the King's Castle and her new job is to train soldiers(by being all super close to the horses because she has a way with animals.)

Um..and then a pack of wolves helps her kill some bandits that murdered her family, she defeats a kraken, and adopts a dragonet. ..

...the end.

THE WRITING. SWEET ZEUS, THE WRITING.

There are so many problems with it I don't even know where to begin. Perspectives change willy nilly and often in the middle of PARAGRAPHS and it's so confusing(probably a little like reading this blog post) and there's a narrator...kind of, but the narrator just jumps in to explain things every once in a while-and it just doesn't make any sense-and we're like, WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY and the book is like shhh, it's magic, wild wild magic.

I'll focus on my biggest problem with the writing-the battle scenes. They don't make any sense because Pierce is too lazy to explain WHAT is going on. It will go, "Then a monster came and then Daine killed the monster" OK, WHAT! What does the monster look like? How did she kill her? What? And then there will be tons of monsters all of a sudden, and it's all so very vague and it's like-I just imagine people trying to direct a play using only the direction of the book and so people are standing around on stage, some dressed as monsters(but they don't know what to dress like so they're just wearing funny hats) and the director will go, "Okay, so then Daine kills the monster..?" And Daine would look around and be like "Uh which one?" "I don't know JUST PICK ONE!" And so she'll walk up awkwardly to the closest funny hat guy and just yell"I KILL YOU!" and the funny hat guy looks confused and shrugs and falls down dead? And then everyone shuffles their feet a little.

I'm a little sick in the head

Look, you try reviewing crappy books with weird sex themes and see what it does to your perspective. You just try it.

This book is Woman Powery

There are anvil-sized feminist themes here. Daine always wants to wear pants like the men, there are women soldiers, and Daine is always pointing out "WOMEN ARE JUST AS GOOD IF NOT BETTER THAN MEN" And that's great, I support that, but what kept running through my head was Pierce(the author) going to, you know, feminist organizations or something and being like, "seeee seee don't you want to be associated with my booook!" and them being all horrified with how bad it is and trying to hide it and not wanting to be associated with it AT ALL-"oh yes how great, she wears pants, yes we like pants here at feminists.com, but maybe you should go show this to feminists.netorwhatever, they're...way more..into pants-" and pierce is all "but look, in my book women get to be soldiers seee! SEEee! And feminist.com is all "uh huh right, is that before or after a bunch of animals crawl into her bed?" And it's just hilarious all around and it ends in an awkward handshake or something and Pierce later discovers there IS no feminist.netorwhatever-but Pierce's not thinking oh they totally blew me off she's like ohh there IS NO SPOON, and then she goes back to her tree hut made of garbage.


Book Rating
I had much more fun reviewing this book than reading it. It's terrible. 2 stars. You know, out of the normal ten.

"You're just jealous."

Sara and I went on a magickal** adventure to our neighborhood Barnes N Noble this weekend, which will lead to my book review tonight,(I swear I will start reviewing books again and actually doing what I said I would do in this blog description)-- and also spawned the discussion on “Well if these books are so crappy, why don’t you write one and make like a bagillion dollars and STFU?” (Except it was nicer and Sara was honestly asking.) It’s a good point. Especially in light of the recent explosion in teeynayger vampeeeer luuuuurrrv story books that are, quite frankly, disgusting fill- in- the blanks:

Hot Vampire In Highschool For Some Reason: Hello Young Girl, I am going to ignore you/be a dick/say cryptic things to you for a while
Young Girl: But you’re sooo hot!
Hot Vampire In School: Okay, we can date, but I am like 100 years old(A PEDOPHILE, HELLO)/a monster who wants to drink your blood/have a spotty past/have dangerous frenemies!
Young Girl: But you’re soooo hot!
(they date, YG IN DANGER, make out scene, fade to black)

For those of you who are just tuning in to this genre, no this is not just the “plot” of twilight, it’s the "plot" of 900 other popular vamppeeeeerr books right now. I don’t even have to read them to know-I am just that good. At this. Quiet sobs.

Well, there are a few reasons I don’t just try to write one myself(AND NONE ARE THAT I’M JUST JEALOUS), and here they are. In the process I’ll try to slam as many books as possible, because I AM the Grinch That Stole Your Young Adult Gross Romance Noveelllll.

1. If you write a book when you are too young/have little experience writing, it’s going to turn out as a mirror image of the book(s) you love.
I don’t know this from experience or anything(I know this from experience) but trying to write fantasy is really hard. It’s true that nothing is really original anymore BUT, as Stephen King points out in his new forward to the Dark Tower series, if he tried to write fantasy when he was 19, it would have been a sad mimicry of Lord of the Rings. (See: Eragon, et al. AKA Diet Lord of the Rings. LOTR Light. The Fellowship of the Rings: Zero, The Two Towers Ghost, Return of the Diet Sprite.) And so, though these Vamp books are sad little paint-by-numbers, and they actually SHOULD and DO mimic each other, I don’t think I could even mimic them if I tried-it would be a mimic of a mimic of a mimic, it would be three pages long and covered in my own tears and blood. It’s hard enough to try and write ORIGINAL stories, I can’t even imagine trying NOT to.
2. I don’t want my name attached to that!
3. It just doesn’t work. I once heard an interview from the most famous Romance Novelist Everrr on the radio(can’t remember her name right now…) and she was talking about how so many people make fun of romance novels and say that "they could write one in the snap of a finger"-but when they try to write one, the books are terrible-because it’s clear in their writing that they hate the genre and are making fun of the readers. She may have even cited a few authors or something. Anyway, the target audience would hate my book because there would be a lot of “And then Julia Delurvely realized she was in love with Martin LeVampsies, even though he may not have a soul, may kill her, and if things progressed the way she wanted to it would be statutory. Because Julia Delurvely was just that “brave.”)
4. I don’t want to.
5. If I ever do get the balls to try and write something, I don’t want it to be intentionally bad.

Instead, I have decided to transcribe Romanda’s attempt at a vampire love story-forgive her, remember that she’s illiterate- and has trouble understanding a few basic things about fiction-anyway, here you go:

ROMANDA GETS A VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, by ROMANDA POO-LEWIS

ONE DAY I WOKE UP AND THERE WAS A VAMPIRE IN MY ROOM HIS NAME WAS EDWARD CULLEN HE WAS PRETTY IN THE FACE I SAID DID YOU EAT MY BABIES HE SAID NO YOU ALREADY DID THAT I SAID OKAY, I SAID WELL I WOULD KISS YOU BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE REPULSED BY THE SMELL HE SAID OH NO YOU SMELL SO GOOD I LOVE IT I SAID OKAY SO WE DID WE MASHED OUR FACES ALL TOGETHER THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY MAKE OUT RIGHT OKAY SO THEN HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND.

***An actual spelling of the word “magical” in the description of a book Sara and I found- that I decidedly, did not buy.

A Mary Sue Board Meeting

(In attendance: Bella Swan of Twilight, Clary Fray of Mortal Instruments, Lucy of Impossible, Book Sookie Stackhouse, and TV show Sookie Stackhouse.)

Bella(very bored):How long is this going to take? Edward is like, waiting in my room. And no offense to you all, but he’s gorgeous. And a VAMPIRE. And I love him deeply, deeper than the softest breeze. A love that no other-
Book Sookie: WE GOT IT, BELLA.
Clary Fray:…What do you mean, no offense to you all? Are you trying to imply we are not gorgeous? Because although I am very convinced I am an awkward looking, pale mess, everyone(and by everyone, I mean every male character in my book) assures me I am like, a goddess
Lucy:: Me, too!
Book Sookie: Yeah, I got that goin’ on too, ya’ll.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools)
Bella: Well, I won’t think I’m pretty until I get vampire-d. Right now I think I’m a huge disgusting fat slob human, especially compared to my sweet, loving, indestructible, perfect, sparkling-
Book Sookie: WE. GOT. IT.
Bella: I think you’re just mad because my vampires are hotter than your vampires.
Book Sookie: I’m sorry, have you seen the T.V. show?
Bella: (sniffs) I don’t watch T.V.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools, falls over, starts crawling around the floor)
Lucy: Was there a reason we called this meeting? I need to get back to MY BABY.
Bella: I LOVE Babies!
(Everyone in the room who has read Breaking Dawn look at eachother with knowing, yet horrified expressions)
Clary Fray: We are looking to induct new characters into the Mary Sue hall of fame. First on the list..we have a…hermeeeown graynjeer?
Hermione: (Sighs loudly)
Lucy: Okay, well, let’s go down the check list, shall we, Hermeeyowny?
Hermione: ….I would correct you, but I’m kind of above it.
Lucy: Are you a book worm who is Smarter than She Realizes?
Hermione: Oh no, I totally realize that I am usually the smartest person in the room.
Bella: Hmmm. Confident. That’s…different. Well, second of all, are you secretly super hot?
Hermione: Not when I was a kid. I guess so, now. But not a whole lot is said about my looks. The narrator of my book thinks of me as a sister.
Book Sookie: (is making notes) thinks…me…as…sister. Now, wait a second. Is this narrator the hero of your book?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. BIG time. Super broody, tragic past, he even dies and comes back to life Gandalf style. It’s awesome.
Bella: (blank stare) And…you two don’t end up together?
Hermione: (chuckles) No way. I end up with his goofy best friend.
Clary: …the GOOFY best friend? Not the tortured hero? I just..wait..did you like, turn him down or something because he actually WAS your brother?
Hermione: (is less amused now) NO. I never turned him down. There was never anything-whatever-I love RON, I love his red hair-
All but Hermione: RED HAIR!!
Hermione: -and I don’t mind that he is poor-
Bella: HE IS POOR!!
Hermione:-or that he’s not a good dresser-
Clary: EW.
Book Sookie: Okay, okay. I need to put an end to this, ya’ll. This is just depressing. Sorry Hermione, you just don’t make the cut.
Hermione: (up turned noses out the door)
Book Sookie: Oh, god. Where is TV Sookie?
TV Sookie: (has fallen asleep under a table in the next room)
Bella: No time to go find her! Next on the list, we have…Lyra Silvertongue.
Lyra: (Walks in, is covered in dirt)
(all start taking furious notes and making big x’s on their sheets of paper)
Lucy: How old are you, sweet heart?
Lyra: (consults the aleithiometer to decide whether or not to kill her)
Lucy:(looks uncomfortable)
Philip Pullman: OH GOD! How did this happen! Lyra, get away from them! Quick I’ll take you to the ice bears!
Phillip Pullman: (has just saved Lucy’s life.)
Bella: You know what I would rather be doing right now? Reading a BOOK. I LOVE reading. Probably just like the readers of MY book, which allows them to imagine that they are ME, who is AWESOME and PERFECT-
Clary:I would rather be reading a book MORE
Lucy: I’m more of a book nerd than-
CRACK OF LIGHTING! THUNDER! BELLE of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST APPEARS OUT OF A CLOUD OF SMOKE LOOKING…NOT PLEASED
Belle: Oh HELL no I do NOT hear this conversation happening without me!
Lucy:(approving nods) Now HERE is someone with potential to be in our super cool MarySue club.
Belle: YOU BITCHES THINK you can induct ME into a Mary Sue club? I HAVE BEEN MARY SUEING SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. I COME FROM THE CREATOR OF MARYSUES. (does a sort of whistle) You bitches need to see this!
Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine, and Snow White POOF appear behind her
Belle: Where’s mulan? I think we’re going to need her.
Ariel: Technically, she doesn’t make the cut. But she said she has our backs if necessary.
Bella: (High pitched and wobbly) Now, I’m not sure what this is about but you need to remember that I have a very powerful VAMPIRE boyfriend..
Snow White: Who isn’t here. (smiles evily.)
(Clary,Lucy, Bella, and Book Sookie notice that all the princesses are armed. They look around wildly. TV show Sookie picks this time to crawl back into the room, braying like a sheep)
Clary: I can write runes! I can! They are the most powerfullest runes ever! All I have to do is take out my rune writing tool which is in my-which is right here in my-(searches pockets frantically)
(Lyra awesomely pick pocketed her earlier.)
Book Sookie: I can read minds..and ya’ll…this does not look good. What are ya’lls a secret powers?
Bella: I can block you from reading my mind!
Book Sookie: Oh great. That really, really helps us. What can YOU do, Lucy??
Lucy: sow flowerseeds on a beach?
Clary: We are so fucked.
Lucy: WITH A GOAT’S HORN! It was really hard!
(Princesses raise their machine guns, but aurora hesitaties.)
Aurora: Look, I feel bad killing that one. (points at TV Sookie) She seems… a little slow.
Ariel: I gotta say, I am a fan of True blood. If we kill her, no more Eric. And I love my Erics.
Belle: Okay, you get a pass, TV Sookie, but the rest of you, prepare to die!
Book Sookie: What about me! I mean, you kill me, no chance for an 8th season! That’s as far as the books go!
Ariel: That’s really pushing it, but fine. You are slightly less annoying than these other three, anyway.
Belle: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE CHANGE OUR MINDS!
(the ground begins to shake)
(it feels like an earth quake)
(everyone looks around confused and panicked)
(in the distance, 14 million screaming twilight fangirls are stampeding toward the scene, carrying sparkling weaponry)
Belle: Shit! Alright, you all got lucky today. SO LUCKY! WATCH YOUR BACKS.
Aurora: Let’s get out of here!
Bella: (faints.)
Clary: (looks pensive and wounded)
Lucy: Well, I’ve been through worse. (SHE HAS. SHE REALLY HAS.)

The End

Snark: If it's not funny...it just sounds mean.

So I assume you have read this quote by Stephen King:

"[J.K.] Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."


Well, of course Meyer's herd of 14 year old fans were very, very mad about this quote and made it known, and so King responded to these fans:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb72V_4N5ko


I mean. I'm all for bashing Twilight..but this felt..a little..mean. I'm not sure if the 14 year olds will even get this, and Meyer didn't respond at all to King's initial comment(that I could find.) So I don't know whose team I'm on. I don't want to be on the side of Bad Writing, but I also don't want to be on the side of Defensive Bullies. Which honestly..I think King falls into the latter category here. I don't know. Your thoughts?

This just in!

I bought this book thinking "This is totally going to make my blog." And then, "Oh..oh..mg...I can't believe that sentence just happened in my brain." Followed by, "I need to delete my blog." Finished with, "You know you can't quit it now, it's giving you an outlet for your nerdiness and only three people know about it anyway."

So, that happened.

Regardless, this book made my blog, omg ugh, but not in the way I expected. It is super cute. Not a classic, definitely a kids book, but it's really adorable and engaging. My only beef is that it is a little too self-aware-to the point that it's self concious. Most chapters begin something like, "You are not going to believe this, but.." or "I know I sound crazy, but.." and it's like, dude. You need to understand something about your audience. We range from ages 5-infinity, and all of us are 100% with you on unicorns, dragons, witches, wizards, magic carpets, giants, fairies, you name it. No need to justify every chapter. We believe you. Now what were you saying about demon math teachers hmm?

If books were movies, I'd call this one a rental. As they say in my home country, Happy Friday!