The Worst Book. Ever.

This will be the first and last time I use the term "Spoiler Alert." You should just assume that if I'm reviewing a book, I'm sure as hell going to spoil as much as humanly possible for you. I'm trying to ensure you DON'T read the book. I would go as far as to personally ship you my copy to keep you from buying some of these gems. This one absolutely included. If for some reason you must read one of these books(I.E. you need to torture a prisoner, punish a child, or do something akin to cutting yourself that won't leave scars[that anyone will see]) I'll pay for postage. Just please make sure Miss Nancy Werlin doesn't make any more money off of a book she surely wrote on a lunch break.



That's right, the award for the worst book I've ever read goes to...





"Impossible" by Nancy Werlin





Plot Overview:
Young Mary Sue, I mean...Lucy... is 17, on the cusp of adulthood and excited for her upcoming prom. She's very pretty but doesn't know it, she's very smart but doesn't think she's that clever, and all the boys love her yet she thinks she's a geek. She's adopted, see, because her mom is a crazy bag lady who occasionally drops by her school to yell things at her and sing the Simon and Garfunkle Song, Scarborough Fair(awesome.) Rounding out our list of important characters are neighbor Zach, (See: Standard Love Interests, Vol. 1.) and Evil Fairy Man who is gorgeous and evil. (Normally something I dig, except...well, just keep reading.)

SMASH CUT TO:Lucy gets raped on prom night by her date, except it isn't REALLY her date, it's Evil Fairy Man wearing her date as a human suit. And, to top it all off, she gets pregnant. Lucy decides to keep the baby because it's her baaaaaaaby, even though according to legend(or Simon and Garfunkle, I was never quite clear) when her baby is born, Evil Fairy man will turn her insane because he will rape her constantly. Just like he did her mother. Aaannywaaay...ummmm...the only way to avoid this fate(this is a Young Adult novel, I should probably add) is by completing the three tasks laid out in the Simon and Garfunkle classic:



1. Make a seamless shirt without a needle.

2. Buy land in between salt water and the "sea strand"

3. Plow and reap some flowers there with a goats horn



She is able to complete the three tasks the following ways:

1. She builds a shirt out of duct tape. (Alright...)

2. She doesn't buy land, but she does find a beach, like any other beach, and decides it fits this definition (...Clever?)

3. She plows flower seeds with a goat's horn(it took her the entire book to figure out this "riddle"-and she just ended up following the instructions...exactly???)



So in the end, she has the baby, marries Zach(because GOD FORBID we have a YA novel where a girl has a baaaaaaby and isn't maaaaarrrriiiiieeed) and the Elf man...dies...because she beat his impossible, impossible curse. Not sure why he died, maybe Simon and Garfunkle were so pissed about their song being used in such a crappy way they reached through the novel and smote him with their folk.

Choice quote of the novel:

Zach, describing sex with Lucy after they were married:

"He felt animal. He felt...mated."

Redeeming Factor:

Right as Lucy is leaving to go to prom, her crazy bag lady mom shows up and just starts tossing beer bottles at her. HAHAHA! Great scene. Great scene.

Writing Quality:

5th grade level. No, I don't mean it's for 5th graders. I mean, the writing seems like it is by a 5th grader. Almost all the action takes place in between chapters, you know, because writing the actual plot is soo harrrdd and Nancy Werlin has better things to do, like laughing all the way to the bank and bathing in virgin's sweet, sweet blood.

The "Ew" Factor:

Oh, this rates at a 10. Fairy rape. I mean, come on. I really don't want to know what pictures and videos are on Nancy Werlin's hard drive. I have a feeling it's not LOL cats. Eeeeyuck.

On a rating scale of bad books from 1-10, 10 being Twilight(bad but..soo good), 1 being a book with blank pages with poo smeared on them, this one comes in at:

1. Seriously. Just don't do it.