Lesson # 1

We live in a crazy, fast paced world-and you probably have a very important job or lots of television to watch, so you just don't have a lot of time to read. Don't worry, remember, I'm doing that for you. But when you do actually have an hour or two out of your day and want to devote it to your friend and mine, the written word, you don't want to waste those precious moments on a crappy book.

I'm going to do my best to help you avoid that, but obviously I can't catch every crappy book before it reaches your hands, so I am going to teach you how to recognize a crappy book-quickly. The first lesson is:

How to Tell a Book Will Be Crappy By the Cover Art

It's important to note that cover art can be deceiving. Sometimes horrendous stinkers have excellent cover art, and sometimes-but VERY RARELY-good books have stupid cover art. But first things first.

What is "bad" cover art?

First of all, hot ladies. Realistic Hot ladies. What? Unless the book has been made into a movie(and even then..but I'll get there later)it makes absolutely no sense for there to be a picture of some rando model looking all sultry at us from the cover of an undoubtably crappy book. In this case, there are no exceptions. Real life hot lady on cover=bad book with lazy writing about a mary sue who falls in love with supernatural creature she's "SWORN TO RID THE WORLD OF" insert many awkward sex scenes. AVOID! AVOID!

"I'm so shy and smart. HAI VAMPIRE LETS MAKE OUT! I mean...no...we can't..Do you like my sweet perm?... OK YES WE CAN!"

Look at that blood-red font. It's probably symbollic for something.....but I'm just not sure....what...it could be....hmmmm

I like "Secret Vampire." She should have a sequel called "Transparent Ghost."

I don't know if you can see this, but she is wearing a skull necklace. Awesome. And her haircut is ALREADY dating this book. That's the other problem with putting photographs of your heroine on the cover. It's like, when I read Bridge to Terabithia, I don't picture the heroine having teased out hair and a bright purple windbreaker, but let's face it, it was published in the 1980's and thank goodness that cover wasn't like this one. Also check out that HIP POP. SASSY! You work it, daughter of death! Fog party!

........There are no words........(or feet.)



This is a case where there is just tooooo much going on. Like, leave a little to the imagination, okay? Your amazing fantasy novel may have T-Rexes, candles, lightning frogs, monkeys, tigers, rockin hair scarves, magical light-hands, ribbon pooping birds, skeptical horses, jammin leaf patterns, tiger blankets, sweet belts, tiger NECKLACES, and a triceratops, but we don't have to know all of that IMMEDIATELY. (And as if once wasn't enough, we also get a little miniature verson of this painting on the side!! They want to make sure you don't miss it!) It's overwhelming. And it shows a lack of confidence in the material. I'll be honest, I haven't read "The Immortals," so I can't say as to whether it's crap. But this cover....I'd stay away. Probably.







Okay, I'm exhausted. There's definitely more ways a cover can be bad, but that last one wore me out. I feel like I just ran half a mile. Shut up, that's pretty far. For comparison, in my opinion, this is a very good cover:





See? Simple. Snarky. Modern. Cute. It's a funny book about the end of days and you know what-this cover communicates that to me. The cover is just enough to get me reading the synopsis-which is exactly what a cover should do. Pique your interest. Not turn you on, or tell you the entire story, or remind you that it is actually a T.V. show you may have watched. The cover should be a bit of a tease, and no, not in that way. Please. Please, not in that way.