You know what tops Sparkly Vampires? Incest.

Here we go... I am collapsing these three books, the Mortal Instruments Series, into one review because I care about you and don't want you to feel too much pain. "City of Bones," "City of Ashes," and "City of Glass" by Cassandra Clare all come to us reccommended by who else, Stephenie Meyer. Her review goes something like "This is a world I would love to live in." I can believe that.

But the reason I gave this book a shot? A review on the back cover said it was a must-read for Buffy fans. Not only do I think that reviewer has never watched an episode of Buffy, I think that reviewer hates Buffy, and hates me. I think that reviewer hates his life, and puppies, and love. I think that reviewer is anxiously awaiting the apocolypse so he can finally be alone, rid of humanity, except for one that he keeps chained in his basement to torture when he gets bored.

Plot Synopsis:
Clary Fray is a teenager, like 16 or whatever. She's an artist and she has a best friend named Simon who is obvs in love with her but they are juuuuust friiiiiends right now. Her mom's a big weirdo but she's beautiful and also an artist. There's a mystery as to Clare's past. Her father was "killed in a car accident when she was a baby" but those of us that have actually read a book know this is code for "my father is still alive and is someone super powerful and important to the novel." Anyhoo, Simon and Clare discover that there are demons in this world, and people called Shadowhunters, who kill those demons. Among the shadow hunters they meet is super hunk Jace. Clare loooooves Jace and he loooooves Clary. But Jace! is so tormented! by his past! he just does not think he is deserving of love! They kiss. They hunt for the big bad of the novel, whose name is Valentine. Valentine is this super powerful shadowhunter that wants to kill, like, everything-not just demons, but vamps and weres and stuff. Vamps and weres and stuff can be evil, but aren't always, so generally the Shadowhunter community is like, "No, V. Nice effort, but sit down. Sorry." Valentine dissappeared 16 years ago, believed to be dead. Are you figuring this out yet? Okay I'll tell you. Valentine is Clary's dad!......... And Jace's. Too. WHAT.

Deep breath. That's the end of the first book. Oks. So the second book is mainly composed of scenes where Jace and Clary end up alone in a room together and the sexual tension is just TOO MUCH and one or both of them are like "oh man I want you..kiss me..wait don't, we're like brother and sister! Not even LIKE brother and sister, we just are! I can't! We musn't!" It's disgusting. Also, one scene they make out. She trys to date Simon but it doesn't work because she's not attracted to him, she prefers, you know, RELATIVES. The second book doesn't matter, except Simon becomes a vampire and it's all a little too convenient, because now he can join their cool fighting club.

Enter third book: Valentine leads an army of demons to defeat the Shadowhunters so that he can...kill the demons the way he wants to? I don't know, it's a little shaky. Did I mention Valentine is super beautiful? That's cool. I like that. Anyway, the demons eat a bunch of people and there's a battle, and we meet Valentine's other son, Jonathan, and find out(and it's really not all that shocking) Jace isn't actually Valentine's son or Clary's brother. Jace and Clary discover that they have these huge, amazing powers no one else do(another shocker) and they are able to defeat their..wait, no, just Clary's...dad. And then they make out alot.


Choice quote:

"Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage--but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored. "In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations." "You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken. "Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit." "I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing." "Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.""


Redeeming Factor:

The third book is really the best, and saying that is like saying a first degree burn is the best out of all types of burns. There are a few scenes where a city is in mass chaos, being attacked by an army of demons and it's..a little cool. It gets pretty gory, and a few of the demons are kind of interesting/original. And reading how some of these annoying characters die is nice, too.

Tryin to tug on the ole' heart strings...factor

So of course no one that important to the novel dies. None of our "favorite" characters, just the extras. And 5 year old Max, Jace's adopted brother. It fails to move the reader, though, because we don't spend that much time with Max and the death is really clumsy and so unneccessary. I think he was chosen to die purely because he couldn't be paired off with a love interest. By the end of the novel EVERYONE had a love bunny. And I guess although Cassandra Clare does think bros and sisses should be kissy kissy, 5 year olds having girlfriends is TOO FAR. So he dies. Sorry, Max.

Writing Quality

Well, it's better than Twilight. I mean, not the book itself, the writing. Look, it's really predictable and gross and trite, but I don't think the writing itself is all that awful. So, we'll give Clare a solid 8 stars. (Out of 25.)

On a scale of 1-10 of crappy books...

If you liked Twilight, you'll like this book. But Twilight had an extra..something these books don't have. Maybe it was the hilarious combination of Vampires and Mormon virtue? I don't know. So these books get an 8/10.

UNTIL NEXT TIME(aka, probably tomorrow.)