...or, Mortal Coils.
Man, that image is enormous.
You know what this reminds me of?
WHY AM I SO HUGE!
Anyway, Mortal Coils.
Why I Bought this Book:
The plot synopsis on the back cover: Blah, blah blah-
"The twins are the offspring of a goddess and Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. "
**Credit card swipe!**
Cast of Characters:*Elliot-15 y/o, one of the twins, sheltered, loves music, Angsty about Grandma Never Letting him have FUN HRMPH
*Fiona-15/o, obviously, since she's the other twin, sheltered, loves books, is angsty about...everything, she's 15 so that's fair HRMPH
*Overprotective Grandmother is overprotective!
*Unimportant Great Grandmother is Unimportant!
*Robert-Hey..Fiona needs a love interest, right? She's 15..that's old enough, right?
*Julie-The best character in the book. Oh, and Elliots...whatever.
*Everyone Else-is everyone else
Plot Synopsis
Chapter one..these twins have it hard. And by hard, I mean they are homeschooled and have to work at a pizza shop every day HRMPH. This author is having a clumsy time of trying to write for tweenagers. Half the time they sound like emotionally stunted 40 year olds and the other half the time I'm sorry I fell asleep the other half the time. Riveting...ur not doing it so wel akshully. Chapter two...OH NO, there are FOOTNOTES. BLESS HIS HEART. Now I feel bad! Footnotes...he spent a lot of time on this book! He wanted you to see he researched it("See? See, look, here, this is a book I read in preparation! Oh and here, this article, interesting stuff!!") Oh, geez I'm such a bitch. So from chapter two on, I tried to give this book every chance I could get.
Humble pie, I'm trying to eat it. Except... the mystery of this book is, I kid you not, who are the twins' mother and father. I KID YOU NOT. So I guess, for anyone who didn't read I don't know THE BACK COVER, maybe that mystery would have been interesting.
On the journey to discover this, mysterious, befuddling secret, the kids must be tested by their "mothers side" of the family (could it be the GODDESS, SIDE, MAYBE??) and also by their "Fathers side" of the family (totally stumped as to who that could be!) (lucifer, guys.) The tests range from the absurd to the cruel to the totally random. By that I mean, heal a crocodile's arm, kill a bunch of innocent people in order to get to a military secret, and quit eating chocolate. Really. REALLY.
That last one.. the quit eating chocolate one..is just for Fiona. And it is presented as "the classical challenge for a woman." WELL, that's not insulting! At all! Elliot's Classical Challenge for a Man is a girl trying to tempt him to bed..which would prove, what exactly? I'm not sure. But the girl tempting him is Julie, and she's awesome. She died and went to hell because she overdosed on heroine and is given the chance to live again if she succeeds in seducing Elliot.
Luckily for Elliot and Fiona(read:convenient), they both have magical powers that allow them to beat each task. Elliots is-and I'm not making this up-he's really good at playing the violin. Really. So, they'll be battling some demon, or axe murderer, or innocent civillian(really), and he will whip out his violin and be all "strum, strum, STRUM STRUM STRUMMMY" and something vaguelly happens each time as a result. Mainly, people fall in love with him. Like Julie, who decides not to seduce him, because she loves him. So she goes back to hell. ILU JULIE.
After a series of bizarre and pointless events, Elliot and Fiona discover their father is Lucifer (NO!) and their mother is a goddess(REALLY) and they defeat a big bad demon together. And afterwards, both the evil side of the family and the "good" side of the family are like "Cool, you've earned your place. Join us!" and you'd think after being put in horrific situation after horrific situation, being told to kill innocent people(by the GOOD side of the family), and generally being lied to and morally turn-tabled, they would be like "Screw both of you! I'm blowing this popsicle stand STRUM STRUM STRUM!" Except both of them happily accept the opportunity to join the gods and goddesses. And the readers are left with slightly agaped jaws. Because we dozed off.
I am such a b word:
This seriously was supposed to be me trying to be NICE.
Redeeming factor:
If you look closely enough on the cover you can see a demon's butt.
Rating:
This one I would say is better than Twilight, since you know, it had a plot. And footnotes. I'm such a horrible person. This book gets 20 stars!!! out of 93
The violin fighting with a demon might be a real thing in literature, I think. My basis? Well, Frye, Leela and Bender have to duel the Robot Devil on a golden violin. That's proof, right?
ReplyDeleteWell, you got me there. Still, I think dueling is different than battling. It's not like the demons had violins, too. Or maybe I really was just being a b-word.
ReplyDelete