Bella(very bored):How long is this going to take? Edward is like, waiting in my room. And no offense to you all, but he’s gorgeous. And a VAMPIRE. And I love him deeply, deeper than the softest breeze. A love that no other-
Book Sookie: WE GOT IT, BELLA.
Clary Fray:…What do you mean, no offense to you all? Are you trying to imply we are not gorgeous? Because although I am very convinced I am an awkward looking, pale mess, everyone(and by everyone, I mean every male character in my book) assures me I am like, a goddess
Lucy:: Me, too!
Book Sookie: Yeah, I got that goin’ on too, ya’ll.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools)
Bella: Well, I won’t think I’m pretty until I get vampire-d. Right now I think I’m a huge disgusting fat slob human, especially compared to my sweet, loving, indestructible, perfect, sparkling-
Book Sookie: WE. GOT. IT.
Bella: I think you’re just mad because my vampires are hotter than your vampires.
Book Sookie: I’m sorry, have you seen the T.V. show?
Bella: (sniffs) I don’t watch T.V.
TV Show Sookie: (Drools, falls over, starts crawling around the floor)
Lucy: Was there a reason we called this meeting? I need to get back to MY BABY.
Bella: I LOVE Babies!
(Everyone in the room who has read Breaking Dawn look at eachother with knowing, yet horrified expressions)
Clary Fray: We are looking to induct new characters into the Mary Sue hall of fame. First on the list..we have a…hermeeeown graynjeer?
Hermione: (Sighs loudly)
Lucy: Okay, well, let’s go down the check list, shall we, Hermeeyowny?
Hermione: ….I would correct you, but I’m kind of above it.
Lucy: Are you a book worm who is Smarter than She Realizes?
Hermione: Oh no, I totally realize that I am usually the smartest person in the room.
Bella: Hmmm. Confident. That’s…different. Well, second of all, are you secretly super hot?
Hermione: Not when I was a kid. I guess so, now. But not a whole lot is said about my looks. The narrator of my book thinks of me as a sister.
Book Sookie: (is making notes) thinks…me…as…sister. Now, wait a second. Is this narrator the hero of your book?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. BIG time. Super broody, tragic past, he even dies and comes back to life Gandalf style. It’s awesome.
Bella: (blank stare) And…you two don’t end up together?
Hermione: (chuckles) No way. I end up with his goofy best friend.
Clary: …the GOOFY best friend? Not the tortured hero? I just..wait..did you like, turn him down or something because he actually WAS your brother?
Hermione: (is less amused now) NO. I never turned him down. There was never anything-whatever-I love RON, I love his red hair-
All but Hermione: RED HAIR!!
Hermione: -and I don’t mind that he is poor-
Bella: HE IS POOR!!
Hermione:-or that he’s not a good dresser-
Clary: EW.
Book Sookie: Okay, okay. I need to put an end to this, ya’ll. This is just depressing. Sorry Hermione, you just don’t make the cut.
Hermione: (up turned noses out the door)
Book Sookie: Oh, god. Where is TV Sookie?
TV Sookie: (has fallen asleep under a table in the next room)
Bella: No time to go find her! Next on the list, we have…Lyra Silvertongue.
Lyra: (Walks in, is covered in dirt)
(all start taking furious notes and making big x’s on their sheets of paper)
Lucy: How old are you, sweet heart?
Lyra: (consults the aleithiometer to decide whether or not to kill her)
Lucy:(looks uncomfortable)
Philip Pullman: OH GOD! How did this happen! Lyra, get away from them! Quick I’ll take you to the ice bears!
Phillip Pullman: (has just saved Lucy’s life.)
Bella: You know what I would rather be doing right now? Reading a BOOK. I LOVE reading. Probably just like the readers of MY book, which allows them to imagine that they are ME, who is AWESOME and PERFECT-
Clary:I would rather be reading a book MORE
Lucy: I’m more of a book nerd than-
CRACK OF LIGHTING! THUNDER! BELLE of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST APPEARS OUT OF A CLOUD OF SMOKE LOOKING…NOT PLEASED
Belle: Oh HELL no I do NOT hear this conversation happening without me!
Lucy:(approving nods) Now HERE is someone with potential to be in our super cool MarySue club.
Belle: YOU BITCHES THINK you can induct ME into a Mary Sue club? I HAVE BEEN MARY SUEING SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. I COME FROM THE CREATOR OF MARYSUES. (does a sort of whistle) You bitches need to see this!
Aurora, Ariel, Jasmine, and Snow White POOF appear behind her
Belle: Where’s mulan? I think we’re going to need her.
Ariel: Technically, she doesn’t make the cut. But she said she has our backs if necessary.
Bella: (High pitched and wobbly) Now, I’m not sure what this is about but you need to remember that I have a very powerful VAMPIRE boyfriend..
Snow White: Who isn’t here. (smiles evily.)
(Clary,Lucy, Bella, and Book Sookie notice that all the princesses are armed. They look around wildly. TV show Sookie picks this time to crawl back into the room, braying like a sheep)
Clary: I can write runes! I can! They are the most powerfullest runes ever! All I have to do is take out my rune writing tool which is in my-which is right here in my-(searches pockets frantically)
(Lyra awesomely pick pocketed her earlier.)
Book Sookie: I can read minds..and ya’ll…this does not look good. What are ya’lls a secret powers?
Bella: I can block you from reading my mind!
Book Sookie: Oh great. That really, really helps us. What can YOU do, Lucy??
Lucy: sow flowerseeds on a beach?
Clary: We are so fucked.
Lucy: WITH A GOAT’S HORN! It was really hard!
(Princesses raise their machine guns, but aurora hesitaties.)
Aurora: Look, I feel bad killing that one. (points at TV Sookie) She seems… a little slow.
Ariel: I gotta say, I am a fan of True blood. If we kill her, no more Eric. And I love my Erics.
Belle: Okay, you get a pass, TV Sookie, but the rest of you, prepare to die!
Book Sookie: What about me! I mean, you kill me, no chance for an 8th season! That’s as far as the books go!
Ariel: That’s really pushing it, but fine. You are slightly less annoying than these other three, anyway.
Belle: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE CHANGE OUR MINDS!
(the ground begins to shake)
(it feels like an earth quake)
(everyone looks around confused and panicked)
(in the distance, 14 million screaming twilight fangirls are stampeding toward the scene, carrying sparkling weaponry)
Belle: Shit! Alright, you all got lucky today. SO LUCKY! WATCH YOUR BACKS.
Aurora: Let’s get out of here!
Bella: (faints.)
Clary: (looks pensive and wounded)
Lucy: Well, I’ve been through worse. (SHE HAS. SHE REALLY HAS.)
The End
Once I took that quiz at Dland to tell you which princess you were and I was Mulan. She's not even a princess. But I like her moves.
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Gosh. This is so brilliant. I don't mean to be all hyperbolic, but this is one of the best things I've read on the internet in a long time. Thank you so so so very much for this. I'm so obsessed with all of it. You nailed this one. Welllllllll donnnneeeee
ReplyDeleteWhen Hermione first came in, I was like hell no, how the hell is Hermione a Mary-sue? But then I was laughing my ass off, haha. Nicely played, though I don't think of Clary as a 100% Mary-sue. She's got some of the qualities, but she's no Bella, haha.
ReplyDeleteDo people not realize what a Mary Sue is anymore, or something? I'll tell you what it isnt: a character you hate. You can dislike Bella all you want like the cool kids are doing now, but she is a perfect example of the Anti-Sue. let's see, she's constantly depressed, everyone hates her, she's obsessed with a monster, she's sullen and sarcastic, she has a vampire kid, she's beautiful but not in the bland girl next door way.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's... that's not even close to being a Mary Sue. But hey, Hermione and Belle get mentioned as Sues. cool. about time.
Listen. Hermione is not, i repeat ISN'T A MARY SUE!!!! sure she might seem like one and i felt like that but the real mary sues are Lily Evans Potter and Ginny Weasley
ReplyDelete