Lesson # 2

So you checked the cover:

-No sultry real-or real-looking model CHECK

-No over-abundance in details(ie:leaf patterns, handkerchiefs, horses, etc.) CHECK

-No cheesy graphics CHECK

-Simple/artistic/vague/etc CHECK



Your interest-PIQUED. Your next step? Check the back cover for the book description.



How to Tell a Crappy Book from the Description



How I wish I could tell you that this is a fool-proof method of avoiding a crappy book. But remember, I end up buying my fair share of crappy books. It’s why I have this blog(that and I need attention.) (Too real?) (Lucy of Impossible: “Getting pregnant worked for me.”)

So, no. Sometimes terrible books have good descriptions, but Odd’s Bobs, I’m doing what I can here. This will guard against the majority of them.



[note: in Wild Magic, the exclamation of choice(I assume it’s the Magical Land of Something Something’s version of “Damnit”) is “Odd’s Bobs.” This was hilarious to me for some reason, but I couldn’t quite figure out why(maybe because like, who is Odd and what the F are his BOBS, srsly)-so I didn’t mention it in the review. However, I will be employing this phrase on my blog often so just..FYI]



“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”



-Twilight, By Stephenie Meyer



I’ll call this example “Plot. I has it.”

If it seems likes the description just gave up the entire plot of the novel, that’s because..it did. I feel like, and you can tell me if I’m out of line here, but if your book is romance-centered, you probably shouldn’t tell us immediately that the characters fall in super love omg. It would be like if Harry Potter:7’s back cover(Spoiler alert, whatever) stated: “No worries, Harry’s going to live and Voldemort’s going to die. Oh and a weasley twin gets it and everyones like OH NO OH NO ODD’S BOBS WHYYYYY”

Another example of this example: Mortal Coils-that one gave up the ghost by telling us on the back cover that the twins’ mother and father were Lucifer and a Goddess. (I just found that this author has a blog and my heart stopped for a second, wondering if he would ever stumble across this thing. Look I know it probably will never happen: but if any of you find this, I just want to say that I’m sorry, I’m probably just jealous, I suck and you’re great, please don’t hit me.)

Example number 2:

"Thirteen-year-old DaIne has always had a knack with animals, but it's not until she's forced to leave home that she realizes it's more than a knack -- it's magic. With this wild magic, not only can Daine speak to animals, but also she can make them obey her."

Wild Magic, by Tamora Pierce


I'll call this example, "Contagious Bad Writing."

This is simple. Repetitive use of "knack" and "magic," the actual use of the title of the book in the second sentence of the teaser, etc. Even the back cover is poorly written. I'm pretty sure-though not certain-that authors don't usually write their own back covers. So I'm pretty sure what happens is that the book is so bad it seeps into the person writing copy, like a demon, like wild wild magic.

Example number 3:


"The moonlight calls to them.

The full moon determines their destiny.

The dark of the moon seals their fate.

A secret society of werewolves.

The Dark Guardians are their protectors.

Betrayal will put their very existence in danger."

Moonlight, by Rachel Hawthorne


I'll call this example, "Winky winky face."

Does it seem like the back cover is trying a little too hard? Being a little TOO creative? Why aren't they just telling you a bit about the book? Is it a poem? Is it a limerick? In short: does it feel like the back cover is fucking WINKING at you? It's not going to be a good book. This is like the book cover that has too much on it: they are not confident in the material.

If you want to read a good back cover description, check out China Meiville's Perdido Street Station. It's solid. Don't have it with me but I'll add it later.

Speaking of later, Later suckers!